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Karjon's challenge, Splinter
The sun shines brightly upon the world. Mothers laugh as they watch their children play. The birds twitter, there is not a cloud in the sky and the girl sits on a swing. It moves back and forth slowly, rocking her as if she is still in the arms of her mother.
She looks up at the sun and smiles as she thinks about days long gone. She is a child in her own mind and she sees herself and her brother as they play in the yard of the family home. It happens many years ago, yet the memories are like yesterday to her.
A soft laugh escapes her as she sees in her mind as her brother grabs a wooden bat he had made; he pretends to be a famous baseball player and swings the bat, then he cries as he gets a splinter in his finger.
The sob of a child brings her back to this present time and she gets up to walk on.
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Nice piece, Sarra!
A couple of things, though.
The sentence "it happens many years ago...." is a bit jarring, making the reader more aware of him/herself, which doesn't fit with the rest. Maybe just put "many years ago" at the end of the previous sentence, since the freshness of the memory is obvious.
Also, first paragraph... "the girl" - is this the MC or not? Either way works, but it helps to clarify the piece. If it's the MC, I'd be tempted to start the piece with views from the swing. If not, I'd clarify the whole by stating that she (the MC) is of a mature vintage.
Thanks for an enjoyable piece. |
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What a lovely image, Sarra. I like this a lot. I do think the present tense adds to the enjoyability (is that a word?) for the reader. I'm watching it happen as I read.
A minor observation: I read the word 'girl' in the second line to mean child and then got a bit confused until I figured it out. Young woman, or something like it would separate her from the playing children. Like I said, minor.
Anyway, I liked the dreamy feel of this a lot. |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-04-14 06:25
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| Good piece, Sarra! Karl's right about the comma. |
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| Well done, Sarra. Wondered if the sentence should have said, "It happened many years ago, ..." Not sure if it works with the present tense. Tim would know better than I. I'm too old to remember some of those rules. Nice work. J:) |
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I like the approach of going present-tense. Not many folks have the wherewithal to try that *and* pull it off effectively.
small fix:
"It happens many years ago yet the memories are like" [needs a comma after "ago"]
Cool snapshot. Thanks for playing. |
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