Mouse Shadows - Challenge 32
The luminous orb of the moon shines like a silver cyclops over the bayou. A mangrove tree shivers in the chilly air, its leaves sugar coated and glazed as they dance between shafts of ethereal, metallic light. The ambiance is calm, but the atmosphere oscillates with a gathering of forces, like a thunderstorm brewing on the horizon.
An ocean of mist gathers around a derelict shanty house that perches precariously on four skinny stilts above the murky recesses of the swamp. Inside: a fire roars, figures move; a dark deed is done.
Through silt-smeared glass the shadow of a woman is revealed, bulbous and rotund, as she waddles around a bubbling cauldron. Her faded headband is tied in two great knots, resembling the ears of a cartoon mouse.
“There, there, cheri, Mama makes it better. We’ll fix him up good, soon enough."
Another mouse-shadow stands, her belly swollen, like a ripe melon ready to burst. Tears streak furrows down the thick, grimy mask covering her face.
"Pass me dem snappers, cheri, Mama’s nearly finished her gumbo.”
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Vibrantly alive and throbbing imagery. It's as if I confronted an enigmatic spectacle. Lovely.
Also, I liked the action in the gloomy circle accompanied by an inferno.
Thanks for letting us have an ethnic peep.
June |
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Her faded headband (,) tied in two great knots, ("favor" or "resemble") the ears of a cartoon mouse.
I think that would read better.
Makes me think of witches making a voo-doo brew until the ending. |
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| Great description. I like Arley's suggestion on punctuation. Works for me. Thanks for sharing. Janet |
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Inside: a fire roars, figures move; a dark deed is done.
I love that line. Nice work.
A mangrove tree shivers in the chilly air, its leaves sugar coated and glazed as they dance between shafts of ethereal, metallic light.
Great imagery, but run-on sentence.
The whole story, it feels, is imagery, great lines, and dialouge. Imagery alone is crap, but when coupled with other stuff, can become very becoming.
Nice work. |
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Great snapshot of life on the bayou. The images, and the twist at the end were spot-on.
Some adjustments to think about:
"derelict shanty house that perches precariously" [simplify this to "derelict shanty perched"]
"Her faded headband tied in two great knots" [I keep wanting to add "is" before "tied," but perhaps replacing "tied in" with "forms" may be a better route]
Anyway, food for thought. This was a good one, Rupert. |
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