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fairygothqueen
Ana Castro
United States

Words: 865
Access: Public
Comments: 3

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Lexi

Lexi woke up today and found that she was sleeping alone she called out but no one answered. Where is he? She thought then she found the letter on the nightstand. For awhile she just sat up thinking that if she didn’t read the letter than he wouldn’t really be gone.
Dear Lexi,
I’m sorry I had to leave you this way, but I had no choice I have decided to stop running. I can’t live this way anymore. I will always love you. Don’t come look for me from now on I’m dead I don’t exist. Be happy kid.
She read it over and over again trying to find hidden clues. Her ear perked she heard the magazine of a gun being loaded outside the motel door. She was quick she turned the mattress over and waited.
Great you asshole leave me to deal with The Order you insensitive bastard. Bang! She heard the guns go off like fireworks. She grabbed her katana waited for the right moment and sprang to her feet. She dogged the bullets with the sheath she withdrew her blade and began swinging cutting her enemies in half the crimson blood splattered everywhere. She didn’t stop cutting until she heard the squish of insides. The blood splashed in her face.
The ones attacking didn’t even have time to load more rounds before she was on them like a blood soaked angel of death. The last thing agent Michaels’ saw was her blade and the glint of gold in her eyes. With one flick of her hand the blood was wiped off. Lexi looked around the room she counted ten bodies. They’re getting confident again. She went over to each one and broke cell phones took the guns and whatever money was in their wallets. Lexi sat back down on the bed and thought about her next move. She looked at the letter and decided. She needed to leave the motel.
Lexi raced into the shower it took three hours until it was all off. She changed into her Doc Marten knee high black leather boots, her favorite black leather cat suit and trench coat. She put her long black hair into a slick ponytail. She had trouble trying to find her sunglasses then she noticed they were broken on the floor. Godamnit! Those bastards broke my glasses. She bent down and took another pair from one of the bodies. Ring! She picked up her cell-phone.
Hello yeah I’m okay they only sent ten this time.
No I don’t know where he is all he left me was a letter.
I’m heading to you right now I’m bringing weapons with me. Lexi hung up and sighed. She loaded the guns in a duffel bag and hid her sword in her trench, and grabbed her keys, stuffed the letter in her pocket. She lit a Marlboro red 100 and set the room on fire as she walked away. It was nine am and already the sun was blazing toward the ninety’s.
Lexi raced out of the Motel 6 in her red 1965 Ford Mustang. She threw everything in the backseat it would take her one hour to reach T.J. from Chula Vista. How did they find us? Lexi asked herself over and over again. She checked the rear view mirror to make sure no one was following her. It had been a year since she had run from The Order. They had kept her and others like lab rats tested for their “special gifts.” She shook her head she didn’t want to remember that anymore. Ring!
Hello? I’m almost there I’m at the border. I didn’t sense anyone following. Yeah I know! Look it will take me another hour drive to Rosaito. I remember where the safe house is. Lexi hung up the phone and waited for the green light.
Passé. Her tires screeched leaving dust behind them. Back at the Motel more agents from The Order arrived. They came posing as FBI agents the motel clerk quickly recounted what he thought happened. Agent Peter’s slowly got out of his black Yukon SUV his black polished shoes gleaming on the pavement. He nodded his head at another agent.
“How many dead bodies do we have?
“What form was she using?”
“Did you find a weapon?”
Agent Sanders shook his head.
“We have ten charred bodies it looks like she set fire to them. She could have been using both, but we found no claw marks and the cuts look to clean she must have been using a blade. She would have needed hands for that. She left behind most of her clothes and we found no guns. She stole them and money.”
Agent Peter’s put on his gloves and began working he had missed her again. Where could she have gone he wondered? He stopped looking through the debris and headed into the parking lot. He lit a Marlboro red into his mouth. He noticed the skid marks on the ground he leaned down to take a closer look. He called Agent Sanders.

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Comments  
draco101 Comment by: draco101 - 2008-04-14 10:04
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this has a lot of potential in it, but you run your sentences together too much. also, there's a lot of detail there that's missing. that whole section could easily be turned into a twenty-page chapter. i hope you plan on stretching it out more. A quick tip on action scenes: dont make your character a hero. if the reader keeps reading how she effortlessly takes out agent after agent, they begin to expect it, and it looses its "is she going to make it?" value.

i like your character, though. Strong, motivated, and a hint of sas. the katana says a lot about her personality as well. That's a very flashy weapon, especially today. You've also made it aparent that she's not human, but have kind of hinted that she does not always bear a human form. I'm looking forward to reading more.

your action seen is good, but again, your sentences run together too much. it was like you were in a run to get to the good parts. Anyways, there's a lot of backstory missing, but i imagine it will all come together gradually.
rupertdepaula Comment by: rupertdepaula - 2008-04-14 08:43
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this needs fleshing out. far too much happens in to short a space of time.

your m.c is crying out for more personal characterizations - as she is pretty stereotypical at the moment.

i get the whole heavily stylized 'kill bill meets the matrix' comic book context, but your attempt of building a larger 'world' around your character fall flat due to lack of content.

there's no tension. just an ass kicking fem-bot in a catsuit out on a jolly, while a shady organization tracks her.

don't get me wrong, it's a cool idea...but you need to put a bit more work in. this looks too much like a half-scribbled flight of fancy.
Comment by: - 2008-04-14 08:36
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Wow! You have a lot going on here and it's all very exciting. I would like to see you take the time to set some of the scenes more richly. For example, the scene in the bedroom just before Lexi is attacked - she hears guns being loaded outside the door, but then all of a sudden everyone is in the room with her. Take the time let the reader know what's going on - i.e. "Lexi heard the click of the door lock sliding back, a muffled step, and then, BAM." Fill us in along those lines. You've got lots of action and it's great stuff. I can see that you have a great story bursting to get out. Just take the time to set the scenes, and double check spelling. Keep up the good work and get the story out on paper!
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By fairygothqueen

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