Splinters of Allah (Wee Story #32)
177 wds.
_ _ for italics.
Sand skimmed the flat, bleached roofs of Baghdad.
Suhaymuh pushed deeper through the boisterous crowds of the Ghazil Pet Market. Bent under the heavy backpack, she stepped on shadows; taut straps dragged at her. She ignored the chattering masses.
“Daddy, I want a snake. _Please_.”
“No snakes in the house, son, there are enough snakes outside. Find something else.”
In flashes, between streaming heads, she saw her partner, Wafa, across the street. Wafa smiled. Sunlight touched rich, tea-colored skin. Wafa leaned under the weight of her backpack.
“The frog, get me the frog.”
“Let me look; I like frogs.”
Sweating, jostled by the throng, an image of her father's ancient Koran flickered in her mind. Suhaymah looked at Wafa and smelled boundless, caged animals and imagined her mothers voice: “Sing everyday, Suhaymuh.”
“Yes, mother.” Suhaymuh relaxed her grip on the trigger. “_Today I sing fire_.”
Flames engulfed the crowd as twin explosions flared; ballistic swarms of nails filled the air. Scorched, steel splinters and molten, hypersonic wind shredded bodies.
Screams shimmied on ageless dust.
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Comment by: JackTom - 2008-05-09 11:08
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| It took me until the end of this piece to get into it, which probably says more about my attention span than your writing, but I what I enjoyed most was your spit in the face language. Also, I found it confusing with a daddy, a son, a "she." But anyway, I just got back to the US and hope to use this site again, so I'll keep checkin' out your work. Have fun setting off your explosive word bombs... |
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| deeply unsettling and a perfectly timed climax. I like the story, and the setting drives home a point along with the action. well done. |
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Comment by: 12R - 2008-04-17 07:30
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I actually like this piece. Its very sudden. The beginning is kind of endearing and it totally tricks the reader. This could be unsettling for some, but I loved it. I was stunned.
Is the here in the second paragraph supposed to be her?
"an image of her father's ancient Koran flickered in her mind."
Every description was excellent and on the body until that. This is entirely in the head, and I feel it is uneeded for the story.
"caged animals and imagined her mothers voice: “Sing everyday, Suhaymuh."
This is also in the head, but it has a good feel to it though. I think you could put it into the setting if you tried. Like, The caged animals called out like his mother's voice: "Sing everyday, Suhaymuh."
There's some punctuation problems I'm sure you'll fix in a draft or two. Great piece. |
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| I love your haunting images and the absolute control you have over the reader. It is like your writing reaches out and grabs the audience, forcing us to watch the situation unfold. Excellent and brilliant... Thank you. |
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| Damn, that was good. How do you think these things up? Great story, excellently told, realistic and relevant in 180 words. How cool is that! |
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