I awoke this mornin’ with heaviness in my heart. I haven’t slept well since the march. My mama keeps tellin’ me it wasn’t my fault, but I’m not so sure. I keep dreamin’ about the march. About that man. I dream that he beat me too, and that it was my funeral that they just had. I’m so depressed. I can hardly get myself up to do simple every day things; like study for my classes, but my mama says that I have to. She says that I have to be strong for Jimmy’s sake. I just can’t believe that he is gone.

My name is Oleta Ann Jackson, but people around these parts call me Penny, ‘cause my father always says that when I was born I was as pretty as a penny. I don’t feel very pretty now. I feel ashamed and cowardly. Jimmy Lee was my best friend and I didn’t do nothing to help him.
I met Jimmy Lee through my mama. Our mothers were friends from church. Jimmy and I went to the same school, lived on the same corner, and went to the same church. But until he walked me to school that one day, I didn’t really know him.

****************

I can still remember the day we met. Back when Mrs. Rosa Parks refused to give her seat to a white man and the Montgomery Bus Boycott started in Alabama. It was almost ten years ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. I was fourteen years old, and I had asked my mother if I could walk to school, instead of taking the city bus here in Selma.

“Penny, you know your father and I support your activism, but times is gettin’ more unsafe than they once was. We are gonna to have to think about this.”

“But mama,” I said, “it’s not only me who’s gonna be walking. It’s a group of us,” I lied.

“I understand that Oleta Ann, but those other children ain’t mine. I’m not gonna have my child goin’ out to get beaten or lynched. You act like they don’t do that to people your age.”

“But mama”

“Penny, I gave my answer. I’m gonna have to talk to your father about this.”

My parents talked for weeks about it. They had their reservations, but they saw what I was doing, and more importantly, understood what I was doing it for, and allowed me to walk to school. That’s when I met Jimmy Lee for the first time.

I was just walkin’ to school with my head held high in the air and I saw this tall brown boy in beat up Levi’s jeans and a miner’s cap walking closely behind me. I knew it was Jimmy Lee Watkins. His mama and mine were in the choir together at church, but that was all I really knew. I used to think he was cute when I was younger, but that was when I was about six. By the time I was fourteen, I was more into the fight for freedom than boys.

“Hey Penny, I ain’t never seen you out here befo’. What you doin’?”

“If you must know Jimmy Lee Watkins, I’m walkin’ to school.”

“I can see that Oleta Ann Jackson,” he said with a snicker in his voice. “It’s just I always be walkin’ everywhere, but I ain’t neva seen you out here. So what you doin’ out here now? Your parents’ car broke down or somethin’?”

“I’m doin’ my part in the fight for equality with Mrs. Rosa Parks, Jimmy.”

“By walkin’? Well if that’s what’s goin’ on, I been doin’ my part for years,” he laughed.

“I knew you was the type to not take Mrs. Rosa seriously,” I said with irritation in my voice. “Could you just let me alone and let me walk in peace?”

“Hey Penny, I’m sorry,” he said. “My mama saw you out here walkin’ and wanted me to tag along just to make sure you was safe.”

“Was it yo’ mama or mine,” I asked.

“Actually, both. They told me what you was doin’. They knew you wasn’t goin’ wit no one else, so they ask me to keep watch over you. That’s all. So can I walk wit’ ya?”

“If you want to,” I said “but you know the school is five miles away.”

He looked at me and smiled “Oleta Ann, I done mo’ walkin’ than this. Can you just let me do my job?”
I looked at him curiously and then I smiled back, “sho you can Jimmy Lee.”

At first Jimmy walked behind me, and then he began to walk beside me.

“Oleta Ann, Penny, can I ask you a question?”

“Go head Jimmy.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why you think you gotta be so strong all the time? I been watchin’ you all these years, and I just don’t understand why you would put yo’ life in danger like this”

I stared down at the dirt road, a little embarrassed and a little flattered at the thought that he’s been watchin’ me.

“I’m not tryin’ to put myself in danga’ Jimmy, but I been watchin’ the news and readin’ the papers and I don’t like what I see. I’m a person just like any of these white people here, and I think I should be treated equally. I seen the way they look at my daddy and I seen them spit on him when he won’t get off the sidewalk because one of they children is walkin’ on it too. I don’t think it’s right, so I’m gonna do whateva I can to make sure it don’t stay that way.”

“Oh Penny” he said, “you gonna change the world some day. Just promise me that you’ll remember me when you givin’ yo’ big speech. Let’s walk”

He met me every day after that. We were inseparable. We’d meet before and after school to walk. He’d even carry my books for me. I liked him so much for that. I loved our talks. We would talk about everything; the world, our town, Dr. King -- just everything. When the bus boycott was over, but people were sayin’ that there was work that still had to be done, that Alabama wasn’t the only place where coloreds were being discriminated against and we needed to take a stand, he was right there with me when I volunteered to go to the sit-ins and freedom rides. He didn’t say much, but I think over the years, he was just as inspired by what we were doin’ as I was.

We did everything together. We applied and got accepted to the same university, we joined the same groups, and we were always there for each other. When I was upset, Jimmy was there to say or do something to try to cheer me up. When there was somethin’ wrong with him, I did my best to try and fix it. Just like best friends are supposed to do.


***************


One day, while we were walking to class, I told him that I was gonna be goin’ to a march that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was gonna be at back home.

“It’s a march for freedom right in Selma,” I said excitedly.

“Old Penny Jackson got that gleam in her eye again,” he said as he glared sideways in my direction.

“Oh come on James,” I nudged. “We’ve been doing so much here at Howard, but now’s our chance to do somethin’ right there, in our own home town.”

“That freedom fighter ain’t neva’ gonna die is it Penny?”

“Neva,” I said “Come on, James. It would be a good reason to go back home and see the family again too.”

“When is this march,” he cocked his head and looked at me.

“Sunday, March 7,” I said with hope in my voice.

“Well you told me in a good enough time, didn’t you?”

“It’s a month and a half away; we got time to make plans.” I said with a smile.

Jimmy Lee smiled, “Have I ever told you that I love you?”

“Many times, Jimmy Lee.”

“But right now, at this moment, I mean it in another way. I love you Oleta Ann Jackson.”

I looked up at him and then smiled with my eyes closed. “I love you too James Lee Watkins,” I blinked, “now can we get back to our walk?”


***************


We made our train plans in between classes and study time together. I called both of our mothers and told them that we were coming back home to visit and to participate in the march that was going on in Selma.

“So when are y’all gonna get married,” my mother asked me one day.

“Mama it’s not like that, at least not yet.”

“Sissy told me everything, Penny. So I wanna know when we can start makin’ wedding plans”

“Mama, Jimmy and I are still in school, we don’t have time to think about marriage.”

“But you have time to think about traveling out of state to a march,” my mama said sarcastically.

“We’re comin to see y’all too mama, don’t forget about that.”

“Yeah, I know. But I also know you and I know that’s the real reason you are coming home.”

“But we are also coming home to see our family. It’s been a few months since we came back. School is tough without seeing family every day.”

“I know baby. You come on home then. Your father and I will make the room up for you.”

“Thanks mama.”

A week before the march, Jimmy and I traveled back to our home town of Selma. We visited with our families and waited for the day of the march to come. The night before, I told him to meet me in front of my house, and then we would walk to the church where people were meeting together.

When we got to the church in the early morning, there were so many people already there. They came from all over, not just Alabama. There were people with banners and signs and I was in awe. Jimmy and I walked around talkin’ with people and askin’ where they were from. There was this one couple that came all the way from Washington State.

“So you came all the way out here from Washington? How?” asked Jimmy

“It wasn’t hard, but we did have to use up some of our life savings. Are you originally from Alabama?” the man asked Jimmy

“Yeah, both me and my girlfriend are from right here in Selma,” He squeezed me tight. “But we go to Howard University now. We came back to join in the march to Montgomery”

“So you know what it’s like to spend money on travel then,” chuckled the man.

“Yeah, but just a little bit,” Jimmy chuckled back.

“Oh my goodness Jimmy, everyone here is so dynamic.”

“I know,” he said as he looked in my eyes and smiled.

“The time is now.” I heard someone call out.

“Equality is ours to behold.”

I looked up, and it was Dr. King at the pulpit.

“We are going to into their towns and show them that racism will not be accepted anymore.” The crowd roared.

“We are gonna teach these people that we are all brothers under one God, and all people under God are equal. I tell you today, that what they do is wrong in His sight. They can use violence against us, but my God is the Prince of Peace, so therefore my brothers and sisters, we will go and show them the things that our God, the One True God teaches.”

The crowd yelled and screamed and said amen. It was magical to see all those people, black and white, joinin’ hands and standin’ with him the way they did.

The Reverend lead us in a word of prayer and then gave instruction on where we would meet when the march was over, what to do if the people standing by get violent, and what to do if he or one of us got arrested. He also gave the address of the alternate meeting spot if anything went wrong and we couldn’t get to the sister church in Montgomery. With those words, he walked from behind the pulpit and to the back of the church. He took one last look back at the crowd, and then motioned to the deacon to start marchin’.

Jimmy and I waited until most of the people passed so we could get a good look at how big the crowd was gonna be, then we hopped in toward the back where we could see everything.

***************


We marched up and down the streets of Alabama for miles. Everyone was singin’ and shoutin’; it was wonderful. Throughout the crowd I heard people singing spirituals and the Negro National Anthem. Jimmy and I decided to join in.

“Life every voice and sing, till earth and heaven ring. Ring with the harmony of liberty…”

Then all of a sudden, as we headed towards the rest stop at Mount Sinai, a group of white men in Klan suits and confederate flags in their hands, started screamin’ and yellin’ bad words at the crowd. One of the men stepped into the crowd and tried to pull on a woman that was behind us to attack her, but she got away. Then the man picked up rocks from the street and started throwing them at us. He grabbed an old man and started beating him with his own cane.

Jimmy saw what was happenin’ and grabbed the cane just as the man was about to swing again.

“Let me go you dirty nigger!” screamed the man.

Jimmy Lee held tight to his hand “I won’t let you hurt that old man. He didn’t do nothin’ to you. Let us march in peace.”

Jimmy threw the man down to the ground. As he did, he ripped the man’s hood off. “If you were a real man you would show your face.”

He spit at the man’s feet and then helped the old man up. “Are you ok sir?”

“I’ll be fine, young man. Thank you”

“We’ve got to stick together in this.”

“That we do,” Jimmy handed the man his cane as he dusted himself off and we started walking again.

“Are you alright James,” I asked.

“I’m just fine, Oleta. I’ve fought guys bigger than that for saying things far worse than that.”

He said he was all right, but I could see the concern in his face. His twenty six years had seen too much violence. His short black hair already showed the signs of old age, with glints of salt mixed into his black pepper. He wasn’t that tall, but his five foot eight inch muscular build showed the strength of man who was six feet tall or more. And when I looked into his light brown eyes, I remembered why I fell in love with him and his coffee brown skin.

After a while we began to sing again. I could tell he was relaxing, at least a little bit.

“I’ll teach you your place boy” I heard someone yell.

The man who attacked the old man ran up on Jimmy Lee and hit him in the head with a big rock. Jimmy fell to the ground holding his head. He was bleeding.

“James,” I yelled as I tried to shield his body from another blow.

“Oleta Ann, get away,” Jimmy yelled as he pushed me out of the way. As I fell I scratched my hands on the dirt road. I don’t know if I laid there with my eyes closed for a moment or what happened. All I know is I was brought back by Jimmy’s screams.

Jimmy and the man were wrestling on the ground. Jimmy’s frame though large as it was, was not large enough to fend him off. The man’s large hands ground Jimmy’s face into the dirt as his white smock became crimson with his own and Jimmy’s blood. Jimmy continued to try to hit the man, in order to get out of his grip. When I saw an open spot, I pulled at the man to get him off Jimmy.

“You want some too? We got enough to go around you little nigger girl,” he yelled as he charged at me.

“Get away Oleta, get away” Jimmy screamed as he tried to get to his feet.

Some of the man’s Klan brothers ran in to hold Jimmy down.

“Help us,” I screamed. “Help us!”

Some people in the crowd in front of us stopped marching and started pulling at the klansmen who were trying to get at us. There was so much screaming and yelling and cursing. It was unreal. I tried to help Jimmy up and get him to a safe place, but every time I did, I was pulled away by either a klansman or someone who tried to keep me safe. I didn’t want to be safe. I wanted to help Jimmy.

A riot broke out and the police jumped in with billy clubs and riot gear. Jimmy was tryin’ to shake the man off when a police officer came up and started to beat Jimmy too. I just stood there watchin’ everything with my mouth wide open. I didn’t know what else to do. I tried to get the officer off of Jimmy, but he was so strong and it seemed like he was stuck to Jimmy. I kept trying to pull at the officer, and before I knew it people were trying to pull me away.

“Let me go, I need to help him. We need to help him!”
I was screamin’ for them to let me go and let me help Jimmy. But they said it was too late, that Jimmy was dead.

People were running and yelling down the street trying to scatter and get away from the police, but I just sat there with Jimmy’s beaten head in my hands. I couldn’t believe it. I just sat there in a daze, because I thought I was dreamin’.

It didn’t occur to me that what was happenin’ was real until the man in the white coat asked me how I knew the deceased. “Deceased, what do you mean deceased,” I asked.

I was still so confused. He asked me if I rode in the ambulance with the boy that got beaten at the march. I couldn’t remember. He explained to me what had happened and it all came back to me.

“Jimmy Lee, he’s dead,” I cried. “All he was tryin’ to do was help that old man. Those men beat him,” I said as my head shook uncontrollably.

“It’s all right,” said the nurse. “It’s over now. What we need to do now is get you back to your own house. Do you know your telephone number girl?”

“I am not going home,” I told him as I looked him straight in his crystalline blue eyes. “And I’m not a girl. I’m a twenty four year old educated woman that prefers not to be spoken to as if she were a child,” I said defiantly.

“I’m sorry miss,” the nurse apologized “I just want to see you get home safely.”

“I want to go see Jimmy, and I’m not leavin’ until I do.”
“Well miss…”

“Jackson.”

“Well miss Jackson, the only people who are allowed to see him are his immediate family, and we have not been able to get in contact with them. I understand that you are concerned and that you may have been friends with him, but now I can only talk to his family about your friend and they are the only ones who can see him,” he said smugly.

I was in utter disbelief that they would not let me see Jimmy. I wanted to come back with an intelligent retort to the nurse’s arrogance, but at that moment the only thing I could think about was getting in contact with Jimmy’s parents.

“Mama, something went wrong at the march,” I sputtered tearily over the telephone.

“What is it baby? What happened?”

“They… they”

“Who are they Oleta? What happened?”

“I need you to get Jimmy Lee's parents and bring them down to the hospital. They’ve killed him”


***************



When my parents arrived, I couldn’t say anything to them.

“Penny,” my daddy said. I just looked at him.

“Oleta Ann, are you gonna be alright?” I gazed at my daddy and the tears slowly ran from my eyes.

“They killed him daddy. They killed Jimmy Lee and I didn’t do anything to help him.”

“It’s gonna be alright baby,” my father said. “It will all be ok in time child. Let’s go home now.”

I cried the whole way home. I couldn’t stop. When we got back to my house I just laid down in my bed. I woke up to Mrs. Watkins’ wailing. Jimmy Lee’s parents had come with my parents to the hospital at Mt. Sinai to pick up his body. Now Mr. & Mrs. Watkins were over to talk to my mother and father about what had happened.

“Some people who were there said that Jimmy was trying to help out an old man,” Mr. Watkins said as he put his head in his hands. But all Mrs. Watkins could do was cry.

I came out of my room, and saw them all gathered in the front room. I walked over to Mrs. Watkins and gave her a hug and we cried together.

“I’m so sorry ma’am. I didn’t mean for this to happen.” I said with tears in my eyes.

“Penny, it’s not your fault. I just didn’t think that I would outlive my only son. He was the first in our family to be able to go to college,” reflected Mrs. Watkins as her tears began to flow again.

My mother held her close as she said that we have to start preparing the funeral.

“But we don’t have any money for a funeral,” said Mrs. Watkins

“I’ve got some money, and I know the congregation would not mind donating money to get the funeral preparations. He didn’t die in the right, but at least we can still do right by him.” We prayed together and then Mr. and Mrs. Watkins went home.


***************


I didn’t go back to school the next week. Instead I stayed in Selma to help with the funeral preparations.
At Thursday night’s service, the pastor made the announcement that the Watkins’ had enough money to hold the funeral.

“We got enough money from last Sunday’s service, but the board made the motion that they will collect money from the offerings of the Sunday and Thursday services after for three months, in order to help out the Watkins family,” the pastor announced.

Mrs. Watkins was so happy that she began to cry, but my mama held her hand tight and kissed her on the cheek. She told her that her prayers had been answered so the time for crying is coming to an end. The pastor then made the announcement that the funeral would be held next Sunday mornin’.

Jimmy Lee was laid down to rest on Sunday, March 21, 1965; God rest his soul. I was depressed and distraught, but I went to the funeral to say goodbye to my first love and my best friend. And as they piled all that dirt on him, I just stood there. I kept thinkin’ about how he didn’t do anything to deserve this. My tears flowed silently as I remembered that day.

That officer just kept on beatin’ Jimmy and kept on. Even when he could see that Jimmy wasn’t movin’ no more, he just kept on beatin’ him. It was like he was crazy. When a crowd of people started pulling at him to make him stop, called out

“why don’t all of you niggers scatter. He was resisting so he got a butt whippin’.” and then he left.

But before he did, he grabbed my arm and pulled it tight. He told me that if I ever told anybody what really happened, that he would find me and do the same thing to me. I was so scared, that I didn’t know what to do. I told them I didn’t know anything. Even at the church, the pastor invited the reverend Martin Luther King Jr. to speak. Even he asked me, and told me not to be afraid, but I told him I didn’t know anything. I was so scared that that police was gonna find me and beat me too. I felt like I was a child all over again.

After the funeral ended, the Reverend said that this was not gonna be tolerated and that young Jimmy Lee was gonna find peace in heaven. The Reverend said that we was gonna march for Jimmy Lee’s soul and for all the other souls who had died in the same way. He spoke about how the only way to deal with actions like this is head on.
“We must march to keep the torch of freedom alive. If we stop now, my brothers and sisters, we will never attain our God given right to live as normal human beings”

A lot of people agreed but some of the people didn’t want to march. They were afraid just like me. I didn’t even know if I was going to march, I just didn’t know. The Reverend said that he would protect us and God wouldn’t let anything happen to us, but one man can’t protect a whole bunch of people and God didn’t protect Jimmy the last time. I just couldn’t see how He could protect us this time. Maybe the white people are right. Maybe God doesn’t care about Negro people. Whatever the case, I didn’t know what I was going to do. I just had to think about it.


***************


“Are you going to march on Sunday Penny,” my mother asked me as I arose from the bed of my youth.

“No, I don’t think so mama. I think the activist in me is finally dead.”

“Well Oleta Ann, you’re of an age where you can make decisions on your own. I’m not going to tell you what you should do, but I will tell you, I don’t want you to make your decision out of fear.”

“I’m not afraid mama. I just don’t see the point of it anymore. I mean, nothing has changed. Daddy is fifty-two and he still has to step off of the sidewalk for little white children.”

“That may be true now Penny, but it shouldn’t be that way forever. Don’t you want to see your children grow up in a world where they don’t have to do that kind of thing?”

“First off, I’m not having children. Secondly, there are other people more qualified than myself to get out there and do the footwork”

“Ok Penny, if that is how you feel, I can respect that. But before you totally give up, I think you should talk to someone.”

“I don’t want to talk to anyone. Anyway, who would I talk to? There is no one.”

“Pastor Franklin said that he would be willing to talk to anyone involved, including those ones who came from out of state”

“I’m so confused. I don’t think that he could help me.”

“Well it’s just a thought. Keep it in mind,” my mother said as she stood up from my bedside.

I keep dreamin’ about that day and I get scared all over again. I keep thinkin’ if Jimmy was here he would hold me and help me, but he’s not. I just need some kind of sign. I need to know what I should do. I know Jimmy would say that I need to be strong and follow my heart. I know I want to do something about Jimmy’s death, but I don’t think that marchin’ is the answer anymore.

I’m so hurt inside from all I heard and read and all that I’ve seen. Something has to be done, but is it up to me? That thought goes through my head every time I can open my mind up to think about anything other than Jimmy. I just don’t know what I should do. If I do go to the march, would that be the best way to show people that what happened to Jimmy wasn’t right? How would it help Jimmy’s parents deal with the grief of losing their son? What if I die? That would only cause more pain.

It’s getting harder and harder to make choices now that this has happened, but I know I have to make a choice soon; before Sunday comes and goes and I am still sitting here, uneasy about what I should do.


***************


“Penny you have a visitor,” my mama softly said as she poked her head into my bedroom.

“I don’t want to see anyone mama. Please tell them to go away.”

“Penny, I think you should see this person. I want you to come out and greet him.”

When I walked out into the front room, my Sociology professor from Howard, stood up and opened his arms to me.

“Mr. Elletson?”

“Hello Penny. I hope you don’t mind me stopping by to see my favorite student.”

I ran to him in a warm embrace.

Mr. Elletson was the only instructor at Howard who I felt really understood me. When everyone thought that I was just a militant black girl, he saw me for what I was trying to do and we had a mutual respect for each other. He was like a second father.

“I read about the march in the paper and when I read about Jimmy, I took the first plane to Selma.”

“Thank you sir,” I said gratefully

“Do you want to talk to me about anything?”

“Not really.”

“Very well”

We ended up sitting and talking anyway, just like we used to do. He told me that blacks had been fighting for civil rights ever since slave times and there will always be death, but the fight and the struggle will always be there waiting for brave people to take it up until victory is accomplished.

“May I ask you, if what happened to Jimmy, happened to you, what would Jimmy Lee do?”

“He would do all that he could to try to prevent the same thing from happening to others.”

“Then that’s what you have to do Oleta Ann,” said Mr. Elletson. “You know of the struggles, heart-ache, and degradation that you and others have had to endure. You’re smart Penny, and you have experienced enough and read enough to know that this is not what humanity is about. Humans were meant to be free, no matter what color they are. You have to do what you feel you need to do, in order to help people understand that.”

His words gave me strength and insight about what I really needed to do….

“Mama… I think I’m ready to make my decision…”

… To be continued….

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