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Splinter Group wee 32
“Ms. Highmen doesn’t care about women of color and our sorority. She told me to leave those white frat boys alone. I’ve withdrawn as a chapter last month. We’re on our own now."
A sister suggested giving the acquitted boys, who brutally raped three and killed one of our sisters, a special haircut.
I approved of the proposal.
“Yeah…”
“What’re we waiting for?”
"Let's get the fuckers."
“Okay. Knives and duct tape ready?”
“Knives? I thought we were gonna cut hair.” Sean, a legacy, has less than room temperature IQ.
“Don’t you know what a Filipino haircut is?”
“What?”
“I’ve gone over this--have you ever heard of Lorena Bobbit?--what she did to her husband?”
Christ, I’m playing charade by slicing back and forth an imaginary object.
“No.”
I guess she’ll learn soon enough what it is.
And she better keep her stupid mouth shut.
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| liked this one. powerful, meaningful, relevant. It certainly had me crossing my legs. my favourite part is that the woman's name is Mrs. Highmen. good work. |
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Comment by: helao - 2008-04-16 20:08
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ianclass about sheltered life hahaha--I only know about filipino haircut because I am filipino.
Karl, I got rid of the metaphor entirely. I coulcn't think of non-hackneyed one.
In lieu of scissors metaphor: Sean, a legacy, has less than room temperature IQ. |
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Comment by: helao - 2008-04-16 19:54
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thanks for reading anc commenting, ianclass.
karl, great suggestions! I'll make edits. Thanks very much. |
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Another unique approach. I liked the premise, Sean.
Here are some thoughts worth considering:
“Ms. Highmen doesn’t really care" [consider dropping "really" - without that word there, the sentence sounds more final; more judgemental, like a bunch of angry people would be.]
"about women of color and our sorority" [I freely admit my thought on this is debatable, but everything after "about" sounds too calm for someone whose temper is up and is considering mayhem]
"I’ve already withdrawn as a chapter last month. We’re on our own now." [consider dropping "already" and "last month" - and see how that flows.
"A sister suggested we gave the acquitted boys" [replace "we gave" with "giving"]
They’re fired up and set to go. [probably not needed. The emotion and willingness to do violence is well established at this point]
“Okay. Knives and duct tape ready?”
"Sean isn't the sharpest scissors in the drawer." ["scissors" does not ring right. Pick another nasty sharp item to replace]
"Christ, I’m playing charade by slicing back and forth an imaginary object." [replace "I'm playing charade by slicing" with "I slice" or "I slash"]
"I guess she’ll learn soon enough exactly what it is." [dropping "exactly what it is" will make this more sinister]
"And she had better keep her stupid mouth shut. [drop "had" - it lessens the impact of this sentiment] |
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| Okay, Helao, I've learned something new - I've lead a sheltered life, I guess! Great idea for the challenge, a splinter group. Good tight write, kept me focused. |
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