Splinter - Challenge 32
“I guess it all started in the summer of ’88, when me and Bobby Griffiths made a tree house.”
Pale green eyes, framed by rectangular black rims, size me up.
“How so?”
“Turn that fucking machine off and I’ll tell you.”
Lacquered scarlet nails press a dull red button called STOP.
“Carry on.”
“Well, it was all my fucking dog’s fault.”
Perfect teeth, enameled like porcelain, flash beneath botoxed lips.
“Which dog?”
“My dog, Splinter. Aren’t you listening?”
A disposable biro twirls between graceful fingers.
“What did he do?”
“It was a she. Anyway, the dog didn’t do anything. Just kept barking ‘s all.”
Manicured hands stroke air, flick through notes, hover over a button called PLAY
“If you’re not going to cooperate…”
“Ok, ok.”
Cheap Styrofoam steams as it’s raised seductively towards a moist portal.
“So, tell me about the dog.”
“Splinter? Ain't much to tell, really. I nailed her to the tree house rafters.”
Knock-off Jimmy Choo heels try to echo inside the claustrophobic, padded walls of my cell.
I grin.
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Comment by: mags - 2008-04-23 12:39
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| The format added elements to the dialog that otherwise would be lost. The textures and appearance of objects for example "manicure hands stoke air" was very vivid and made it much more memorable |
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I liked this too, but the pattern started to bug me as well:
nut speaks
active sentence with interviewer
interviewer speaks
repeat
Suggestion? Mix it up some. You don't need all of the descriptor sentences, as your dialog carries things excellently. Use the active sentences more as a spice, rather than a main course. |
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damn man...i liked this a LOT.
the dialog is freakin excellent.
yeah, the active sentences do start to grind a little.
i think that theyre all very similar in length has something to do with it.
still, each one is really really good.
Lacquered scarlet nails press a dull red button called STOP.
Manicured hands stroke air, flick through notes, hover over a button called PLAY
//super cool.
terrific.. my fave from you for sure.
the active voice has totally clicked for you.
im very impressed with this, the ending is great..
( /)
( . . )
c(")(")
T |
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Very good! I think the lines mentioned work as they reflect the mundane nature of her interaction and all.
May I suggest 'labeled' instead of 'called' STOP etc.
Great idea for the challenge, well told story, excellent dialogue. I saw it all. |
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totally understand, helao.
the monotony of the prose is trying to reflect the simplemindedness of the m.c. though having to explain this point probably means i missed the mark.
thanks for the crit, will reconsider the piece. |
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