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lancslass
Anna Barton
United States, Colorado, Denver

Words: 186
Access: Public
Comments: 7

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Mouse Shadows

Wee Challenge 32

Dwayne snores in a satisfied stupor, his latest conquest naked beside him. Clean sunlight filters in through the trailer's dirty windows. She stirs and stretches. “Dwayne.”

Dwayne grunts, rubs his face. “What, Sugar?”

“Dwayne, I’m hungry.”

“Hungry? Aw, Honey, come here, I’ll fix that.”

She smiles, pushes him away. “No. I want breakfast.”

“Breakfast?” The word churns his stomach “Well, check the cupboards.”

“Me? No, you. Treat me proper, now.”

“Aw, Lollypop …”

“Don’t call me that.” Dwayne taxes his brain. Her name doesn’t come. His eyes close.

She shakes him.

“Hey!” Dwayne sits up. His mouth grates like sandpaper and a jackboot stomps on his head. He needs a hair of the dog that bit him before the hangover critters attack.

“Pass me that bottle, Sweet Stuff.” She slaps him. Dwayne sees shadows climb the bedroom walls, scurry across the ceiling. “God damn, vermin.”

“What? You bastard!”

“No. Not you, Cupcake.”

She grabs her clothes, hurt, disappointed. Dwayne gulps from the bottle, girding himself.

“Candy!” She throws back as she stamps down the rickety steps. “My name is Candy.”

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Comments  
Danahfaren Comment by: Danahfaren Online- 2008-04-29 05:40
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This read is great fun! Very clever and entertaining! Wonderful job!
RoseDragonous Comment by: RoseDragonous - 2008-04-22 14:15
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Loved it. Very witty and wonderfully witty use of Nicknames.

~ Tori
lancslass Comment by: lancslass - 2008-04-18 14:53
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Okay, thanks for all the suggetions. I followed them and it's better. Oh! If I had any idea how to italicize I would, would have done it already, so any instruction would be welcome. Thanks again :)
vlclasby Comment by: vlclasby - 2008-04-17 20:13
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You never cease to surprise me, Anna. What a wicked little story. I could see it all. Loved the name Dwayne. It's so white trash.
krademacher Comment by: krademacher Online- 2008-04-17 18:38
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pardon the pun, but... Sweet!

Tonto, er... Tim got it right about those lines feeling clipped:

"...and the girl sleeps naked beside him." [possibly replace with something like "with his conquest naked beside him" - the goal being to replace the third "s" -appended verb]

Clean sunlight filters through dirty windows. She stirs. *** "Dwayne." [*** minor nit - I don't think a paragraph break is needed after this]

"He needs a hair of the dog before the critters come." [possibly confusing reference - it took me a while to get it]
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