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Splinters
As I pull up to the newly built home, I see Teddy sitting on the tailgate of his truck, sipping on a cup of coffee and eating a Twinkie. No matter how early I arrive to the job site, Teddy is always sitting on his tailgate, sucking down caffeine and eating various ninety-nine cent menu items from Quick Trip.
We call this guy Hardwood Teddy. His hands are completely calloused, his knees look like camel feet, and he walks like Quasimodo. This guy is tough as iron, but he has an unusual way of pronouncing his th’s.
“Tree tousand and tirty two feet of quarter sawn white oak to install there, Sonny. Cup of coffee before we hit it?”
“Yeah Teddy, I could use a warm-up.”
I take a seat next to the old man on the edge of his tailgate. Teddy starts in with the stories of the good old days, when men were men. I just listen, as I pick the endless hardwood splinters from my hands.
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| Like this a lot, very vivid. I wonder if you need to tell us he says th in an unusual way. We know it when we read it. Just a thought. Very enjoyable read. |
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| Hi Dante-loved this story. Really nice scene paints a vivid, real picture. |
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| I tink I like Teddy. He sounds like a friend of mine. Well done. I like the suggestions you've gotten already, so will just commend you for your work. J |
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This was a neat snapshot, Dante. I felt like I was right there seeing and hearing Teddy. Well done.
Regarding adjustments:
I would drop "anyway" - it's not needed.
"His hands are completely calloused" [hmmm, maybe "callouses cover his hands" ?]
"This man is tough as nails" [never mind "is" - watch out for the cliche ("tough as well-done steak")]
"...he has an unusual way of pronouncing his th’s." ["the way he pronounces "th" is attention grabbing" - or something like that. The idea is to get rid of "has"]
“Tree tousand and tirty two feet of quarter sawn white oak to install there, Sonny. Cup of coffee before we hit it?” [classic. awesome. loved it]
This sentence...
“Yeah Teddy, I could use a warm-up,” I say , as I extend my half empty mug.
may work out better like this:
I extend my half empty mug. “Yeah Teddy, I could use a warm-up." |
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| This was a great piece of writing...whether it met the requirements of your competition or not. It was probably the best flash that I have read today. The only suggestion I have is taking out the "anyway" at the beginning of the second paragraph. It just seems to bog it down a little. |
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