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Seven Dogs
Seven dogs
Of different sizes
On seven leashes
Pulling one frail,
Shocked girl,
Being led in seven directions
By creatures more fortunate
Than she is.
She has already cried
Over the male child
Who loved her so much
He had to leave and "find" himself
So he can be a better father
For their child.
She did regret
Never listening
To all the warnings she got.
But lonely and working
She gives hope to her child
And has resigned to be
The best dog walker she can.
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| Ohhh... That's deep. For some reason Juno pops into my mind. lol |
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I walked away from this poem, had a smoke, came back, and left again. I couldn't fingure out what I wanted to say and after a time I realized what the poem was saying to me.
Sacrifice.
I have never had children, but I imagine that when I do I will have the balls to step up and do ANYTHING possible to secure my children's futures. This poem is powerful in not only the descriptions that coat the surface, but also in the essence of the ending.
But lonely and working
She gives hope to her child
And has resigned to be
The best dog walker she can.
How beautiful is that sentiment? To be so young and yet she has put her pain, sorrow, and humiliation aside to be the best she can in that moment for her child.
I think the use of 'child' was appropriate because anyone who has to leave to find themself - is running away; Just like a frightened child.
Sadly, everyone knows someone who has had this happen before and too frequently it escapes notice. Thank you for dusting off and bringing to the forefront a beautifully tragic situation. |
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Comment by: menoh - 2008-04-17 08:15
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| thanks for the comments. i love adjectives, sometimes making it a bit overwhelming or even exaggerated. i called the father a child, because in this case he was, they were both still very young when they she was pregnant. i usually repeat words for a stressing factor. I am REALLY glad you liked it though, and took the time to look at it closely, thank you so much. |
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I love the metaphor here and the imagery is really good.
Watch the use of adjectives; take L4 to L6 for instance. Do you need both frail and shocked or can you illustrate the same way by rearranging the sentence and rewording it a bit?
A shocked girl; over-
extended in seven directions
by creatures...
I think paring down your synonyms for "pull" in this case, will tighten up the narrative and still give us the picture of a slip of a girl with wide eyes at the end of her leash.
I have an issue with your repetition of child. I know you want to illustrate the immaturity of the missing father here but I think you may be inadvertently excusing his behaviour by labelling him a child. Look at wolf packs, a packless male who slips in and is allowed by the lead female to breed but not stay is called a rogue. I understand the romanticized image of "rogue" may not be what you want to convey here either.
Other words for child: baby, offspring, infant, pup, cub.
This is a really fine poem and I hope my suggestions are useful. If you decide to leave the poem alone, without edit, it still is very strong poetry. Thanks for sharing it. |
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