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Splinter
I could not see the wound beneath my bleeding thumb. I watched him in the front row. I pulled out a tissue to wipe the blood on my finger. Smiling, he caressed her hair. Something sharp protruded from my thumb. I closed my eyes in pain. She giggled blushing. Not just a wooden splinter was stuck in my flesh.
I took out a hair pin and began to dislodge it slowly, refraining from crying out. I could hear soft laughter. The splinter was small but very deep. I tried to shut out the soft-whisperings as the morose opera began playing again. I could now hold it between my forefinger and thumb. I turned for one last time towards the front row to see my replacement before I pulled the splinter free. I wiped my hand again, this time feeling no pain.
We met at the exit. Flustered and seeking to clutch her hand, he tripped, caught the wooden banister instead and cried out. She turned and exclaimed 'Oh George, you have got a splinter in your palm'.
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Is the wound really beneath the bleeding thumb? The wound is part of the bleeing thumb. Could not see the wound beneath the blood maybe?
"Not just a wooden splinter . . ." this sentence is constructed oddly. The wording is kind of intentionally backward -- like YodaSpeak -- and it jerked me out of the flow into which I had fallen.
the "it" after "dislodge" is left hanging because of the paragraph break. It read as if he/she is trying to dislodge the hairpin -- thought I know it's really the splinter.
"she giggled, blushing" maybe with the comm, yeah?
The "refraining from crying out" seems to me to be refering to the betrayal but the placement of it -- surrounded by digging in with the hairpin -- seems a bit off, as if the crying out is due to the physical pain.
anyway, just a few thoughts, take them for what they are. |
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Neat metaphor, though I have to admit it took me a couple reads to fully get it (I can be a bit thick at times). Anyway, I have only a couple crits:
This is a minor issue, but try putting two paragraph breaks after each paragraph. It will give better separation and increase readability.
Most sentences begin with "I." You have a bunch of cool subject words to pick from. Mix it up some - "I" gets monotonous.
"very deeply" at the end of the first paragraph should probably be dropped. |
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Very good. Good idea.
I don't think you need that 'very deeply' at the end of the first para, you use it to better effect in the second.
Enjoyable read. |
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| nice use of metaphor...m |
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This is excellent. But I wish it was so easy to get over one's love like we do it with taking out a splinter and relieving us of the pain. We can go on pretending...that we have moved ahead but do we really?
Anyways..nice read. One splintered for guilt and another desplintered for getting over with old love. Unique storyline.
Thanks.
June. |
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