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There’s probably no other more difficult subject for writing than that of your own personal beliefs. That is at least my own opinion. Some people of the more dogmatic persuasion may think otherwise, but me, well I gave up the whole dogmatic thing many years ago, and now I have a personal set of ideas, ideals and beliefs that really fuck with my head.

Chapter five I’m talking about here, the concept of free will, of fate, of having the ability to make your own decisions and be responsible for them vs being on a set path, your decisions being a product of anything other than yourself, and in turn having no responsibility for your actions.

This is a pretty black and white look at the whole ‘free will’ situation, but it’s a fucking complex debate, that complex in fact that it’s commonly held that the whole debate is nullified by the fact that it’s basically a paradox, and has throughout the ages, twisted a lot of other brains, much more capable than mine, into basically giving up.

I guess where I’m going hopes to, in an entirely fictional way, explain away a few things, and help me make my mind up about a few things, but we’ll just have to see where it all goes.

So far, 3k words in and a very difficult chapter, but very very exciting, we’ll have to see where it goes, I have the feeling I’m going to have to split this chapter into two for it to make sense, we’ll see.

Here’s a an extended paragraph.

“Did I complete my life? My fate? Where will this door take me? Moreover, where should it take me? Am I now about to stand before my Master? My Maker? The Omnipotent higher being that had set out my path? Am I to be accepted in some sort of infinite bosom of benevolence and pleasure for my time in completing my only one inevitable path. Or am I to finally disappear into my personal singularity; my time, behaviour, being, soul, existence, entity, mind, thoughts, actions, movements, sights, philosophies, my entirety, my complete manifestation, I. Will it become everything and nothing at the same time? Will I get my answer? What monsters lay behind this trapdoor? What never ending confusion and pain, what suffering could exist that was beyond what I had endured when I was elsewhere, and if that is all I am to be greeted by, what sort of monster can possibly justify it?”

Comments and criticism welcome as always.

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