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Cool words, Dan.
I'm not sure about CHK CHK, because it makes me feel like the sound of a gun or of the band !!!.
I think (for rhythm's sake) that the one line could work like this:
"and my forehead cried galaxies
of sticky, *salty) teardrops"
"she didn't and wasn't ever smiling
only catching the breeze
in her curls as she fell
to the mossy ground
and as her eyes rolled
to the outstretched
ant hills and hidden
beetle logs bathed in red"
-Love this. You have a talant, my friend, I must say I'm envious. Good work, as always. |
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Comment by: Valerie - 2008-04-28 05:30
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I think the poem is deep with hidden layers. I also like those lines,
"my forehead cried. . .teardrops, etc. I would never have thought of a forehead crying, but its good, and original. Nice write. |
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| I'm still confused about the "bathed in red" part. Not sure if the tree was bleeding or the bugs. Just curious. Interesting. Seems like you've given the diseased tree anthromorphism qualities. Not sure who is speaking when they say, "do it for the forest." Seems to me like the tree might be a willing sacrifice to save the forest from destruction. Just my take. Maybe I missed it all the way. Not sure. J |
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I'm getting a hamadryad with a diseased tree being chopped down to save others kinda feel. We have a bad problem with pine boring beetles here in Georgia. If the infected trees aren't culled, then the problem just keeps spreading.
I wonder if "Thunk" "Thunk" might not work better? Does the vowel gives it a more robust sound? |
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Comment by: history - 2008-04-20 07:29
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| wow. Beautiful. |
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