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v2.1...definitely better. The first seemed a little fragmented. This was a great poem. I would enjoy reading more from you in the future.
Up the Staircase. |
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| I'm not capable of writing a poem this good, but my reaction on first reading v2.1 (which is much better than v1.0 for the reasons mentioned by others) is that it's too good. I reads too easily. It smoothy slipped by in front of my eyes and I didn't become the sender or receiver of the message. Maybe you should use harsher brush strokes in your picture. |
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| I like it better with punctuation. I especially like the rhyme of "now scattered" and "now shattered." Nicely done. Janet |
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| Nice, but what happend to the 15 lines rule? Curious. I like the second version better. Janet |
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Hello. Thought the rewrite really did tighten this up - it's a pig to write without punctuation, and I can't understand how anyone would forgo it all the time.
Moving 'Valentine's day is cloudy this year' to the third line packs far more of a punch
Think previous comments re 'on your plot' are spot on, but am not entirely convinced that I'd have got the graveside feel without having read the first version.
Thanks as always for the read. XX |
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