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Departures (Wee Challenge 33)
Parents should not usually have to bury their children. Yet, here he is, looking on silently as their coffins were lowered into side by side graves.
The thing with drunk drivers is that they don’t like to die. They would rather kill others instead. In this case, the ‘others’ are his two daughters.
In this case…he is the drunk driver.
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Comment by: LouiseKay Online- 2008-05-07 07:10
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| Powerful one. Good job. |
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Comment by: Nora Online- 2008-04-28 19:26
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Aw. Bummer. Good story and I like the closing line. Two crits:
Parents should not usually have to bury their children.
(I would ditch the "usually" to give more power to the sentence)
In this case…he is the drunk driver.
(The ellipses seem unnecessary.)
Fix the tenses, as was already suggested, and this is good. |
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agree with Rupert on: 'The thing with drunk drivers is that they don’t like to die'...great line.
Agree with Arley on cutting the last line, we got that much already. Great read with a good message and a haunting image most of us don't want to think about. |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-04-25 13:34
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A very poignant wee tale, Ryon.
Yep - you need to fix those tenses as they're out of kilter at the moment.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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| I think this will touch all of us. Good story. Others have alread suggested several things. Might be more moving to put a first person slant on it, but works well this way, too. Good luck. J |
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