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Ex Love (AKA: Warning Sign - Wee 33)
My first clue should have been when it felt like caterpillars were crawling over my skin the first time his arm encircled me. But I’d spent a life time feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Self esteem issues.
Besides, he loved me. Deeply and completely. The creeping footprints of foreboding seemed a small price to pay for his devotion.
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I like it the way it is, and think "self esteem issues" should stay. If you are looking to make that first line come out more smoothly (and buy word count + drop a passive verb), try replacing this:
"when it felt like caterpillars were crawling"
with this:
"the sensation of caterpillars crawling"
but that's up to you. It leaves an impression either way :-) |
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Comment by: Nora Online- 2008-04-28 19:37
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Yeck. I don't want to be able to identify, but I can. Ex love, indeed. I say buy yourself a few words by changing "life time" to lifetime and hyphenate "self esteem". Or, like Karen suggested, drop that. You could reveal something else with those words.
I enjoyed this. |
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| agree with other comments that "creeping" and "crawling" work so well together. and i disagree with removing "Self esteem issues." This part seemed to give the character a voice. I could hear her saying it as if a common line she uses to justify her problems that she doesn't really know the meaning of. Nice work :) |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-04-25 13:44
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Good stuff, Kirsten. I agree with Niccole re: 'Self esteem issues' - I don't think it's necessary given the 'uncomfortable in my own skin' in the previous sentence.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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You've really used the low word count to your advantage here, I think. Instead of analyzing "your" actions in a pompous way, or spending too much time on the awful things he has done to "you," you set up a very nice atmosphere piece. Well done.
My only comment subject--the "self esteem issues" remark seems overly clever or self-aware for this person.
Some tiny nitpick sort of edits:
My first clue should have been when it felt like caterpillars were crawling over my skin the first time his arm encircled me. --this is a tiny bit wordy, but then again, I'm not sure how one would re-work it, so . . .
But I’d spent a lifetime feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.
Besides, he loved me. Deeply and completely. Those creeping footprints of foreboding seemed a small price to pay for devotion. |
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