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| I love American Spirit tobacco |
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I hardly ever read poetry, but I read yours, and this is a terrific example of why. As Alien said, the placement of words is impeccable, as is the choice of the words themselves. No real crits (sorry), just admiration.
Thanks for the read,
L
P.S. The second stanza was the best, IMHO. |
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Comment by: alien Online- 2008-04-28 04:25
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I am really liking this. You have obviously thought a lot about where to place each word as you've written it and there's some lovely moments. Many of your other commenters have beaten me to the punch in describing what EXACTLY there is to like in this so I'll be more general.
I like how it is open to interpretation and how re-readings encourage the reader to re-think what they first thought it was about (personally, I came in with an image of someone dying of a fire from smoking in bed and came out with an impression of someone dying from cancer and smoking in bed because they were confined to bed.
The last bit - comma or full stop, I read as referring to the life - will the 'black scratch' be a slight pause in the flow of this life, or will it indicate the end?
Nice to end on a question like that.
I could say more but this definitely deserves lots of readings - it can't all be taken in with one. |
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Comment by: Juan2 - 2008-04-27 13:39
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oh this is quite clever. You've used the challenge really well here. I like that you let us know in the first line that these are private thoughts, but in an offhand way b/c it's also telling us why there won't be punctuation. Also LOVE the way it goes back to punctuation at the end there "comma or a/full/stop" - shows a vulnerability to the voice of the poem but it's really more private than anything else in that it doesn't seem like the voice is one to speak of such concerns aloud.
Middle stanza is great in the way the line breaks are used, especially enjoyed the wrap-around of 'put an end to a niggling self' (had an image of slowly killing oneself by smoking) then on to 'doubt' (hint towards that vulnerability which will be touched upon at the end) and then conclude it with 'is there' which sets up the next stanza perfectly. Well done all around. Really enjoyed this.
happy writings. |
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| Loved the last stanza. Well done. Haven't read any Mrs. Park lately. Glad to reconnect with your love affair with words. J |
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