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Alien #14: Punctuation-Free
Look Up High
Look up high
At the hovering sky
Search up above
As the clouds
Shove to gain your love
See the sun glowing
As a sign
Of its knowing
Just how much
We are sowing
And never forgoing
View the birds
Dancing in the breeze
Wanting to please
And make you
At ease like the calm
Of the seas
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| Hi Chana, I appreciate the work you've done on this. I feel that the breaks are much more natural now and not so dependent on rhyme or rhythm. I find the best way to learn more about poetry is to read lots of it. So, thanks for the opportunity to read your poem and showing me another way to un-punctuate a poem. |
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Comment by: alien - 2008-04-28 04:28
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I agree totally with champagne and Suzanne. The strength of those end rhymes is just too much for the delicate nature of this poem and it bends it so that it breaks the beauty. You really do need to think about where the natural pauses in this narrative might come if you were simply speaking it aloud and get some of those rhymes embedded within the lines.
I thought the word 'shove' was too strong for this, also. Those clouds shoving for love would be too insistent. might they rather nudge or coax, rather than so meanly shoving?
Nice image but some work to do, I think :) |
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| I'd add some line breaks, but that's just my opinion which today probably counts for nothing. I like the flow. NIce job. Janet |
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Comment by: Suzanne - 2008-04-23 18:32
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| i feel that the beautiful imagery in your poem is overpowered by the rhythm. you can exploit the insistent rhythm by not allowing the line breaks to be determined by the cadence. sort of like a melody that pulls against the meter in music. i felt myself distracted from the meaning of the words by the overpowering cadence and rhyme. if you changed up the line breaks judiciously (see champagne's very thoughtful suggestions), you could emphasize certain words; the basic meter would still be there. |
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I feel the way you want to make us entranced with the pastoral view here but the repeated end rhymes, especially the last strophe distracts and weakens your poem in my opinion. Try changing your line length and maybe embedding your rhyme and mix it up with a bit of assonance. In this instance your rhyme on each line serves to dilute your imagery without really guiding us to punctuate the narrative.
I hope you decide to edit this, even just a bit so that the lovely word picture can shine through the verse just as that lovely baby shines through in your avatar.
(a cutiepie indeed!) |
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