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Departure - Wee challenge #33
I loved him, still do. I sit here wondering why the stars haven't exploded, why the world hasn’t ended? I yearn for the universe to paint empathetic sorrow in the heavens; a testament to the best man I ever knew- next to his son, my father.
I rasp a goodbye through cigarette smoke, and cry.
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| Thank you everyone for your kind words. I'm glad that I could instill in this the emotions I felt and conjure the remorse and loss I have. |
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this is a somber, heartfelt 60 words, Stephanie. Well done. I agree with Karen on the punctuation, especially this part: "...best man I ever knew--next to his son, my father."
But these are minor issues in a poignant snapshot. |
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| Its so funny that you put the dash up there because I wanted to do it, but I didn't think it would work. Good to know. About the word count... well yeah, I had it longer but for the sake of form I thought a lower word count was better. Thank you for the info and I appreciate the nice words. |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-04-29 13:47
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Hi Stephy
I'll add my condolences to the others - hope you're recovering.
To the story - yes, it's a lovely eulogy with some beautiful phrases.
From a picky point of view, the punctuation seems off here and there and it is, as far as I can tell, five words under the required count.
Forgive me if I mess with your punctuation for a minute (and remember, this is just how I would do it):
I loved him; still do. I sit here wondering why the stars haven't exploded, why the world hasn’t ended. I yearn for the universe to paint empathetic sorrow in the heavens, a testament to the best man I ever knew--next to his son, my father.
I rasp a goodbye through cigarette smoke and cry.
****
Hmm - well, as I always say, read it aloud - you should be able to tell if I'm talking rubbish and then you can feel free to ignore me.
Thanks for the read, and again, I'm sorry for your loss but admire your ability to write such a beautiful testament to your grandfather.
Cheers
Karen |
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| nice turns of phrase in here...potent. |
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