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Departures
She found a new job in Los Angeles. It was great for her but it meant she'd have to move. I promised to continue a long distance relationship. I waved goodbye as she drove off, her car full of boxes. She said she'd send off for everything else later.
It's been two years and her stuff is still in storage.
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| perhaps the afore mentioned "show not tell" advice could be put into action by having your MC pack her stuff out to the dumpster, or a Goodwill/Salvation Army store. |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-04-29 13:57
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Hi Richard
I like the idea for the story, and love the last line, but it is, as has been said, pretty much all tell and no show. I know 'show not tell' is incredibly difficult in such a short word count, but I'm sure you could get some 'show' in there that would bring the story to life for your readers.
Cheers
Karen |
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| Leaving things behind is one thing; friends left behind is quite another. Sad departure. Thanks for sharing. J |
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hey man, try fiddling with your structure. you've got a good base, but kind of pasive.
try rewritting with actions in the present...just for kicks, y'know.
'I waved goodbye as she drove off, her car full of boxes.'
is your best line here
thanks |
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Comment by: 12R - 2008-04-23 11:55
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Los Angeles is one word, which would throw off your count.
Just change the 'It's' to 'It has' and it will make that very forceful conclusion more vocal. |
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