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Wee Challenge #33: Departures
“Goodbye, Ralph,” she whispered, her breath gracefully warming my inner ear. I waited for those porcelain lips to close around my soul, and pull me out of reality. I waited for her eyes to drill my heart for pages of passionate professions.
I stood in Departures for interminable hours. The bus never came back, and neither did she.
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| neat one, Vyasar. While everyone is concentrating on the mechanics of "for her eyes to drill my heart...", I am stuck with a disturbing visual straight out of Happy Tree Friends. So maybe I'm twisted, but perhaps another verb is in order, like "mine" or "elicit." |
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-04-29 14:22
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Hi Vyasar
There's some nice writing here, but one thing tripped me up. He waits for a half an hour, so either she was going on a very short bus journey (not that much to worry about, she's stilluwell within reach) or he's being a little unrealistic xpecting the bus to turn around and bring her back. Unless I'm missing something, which I often do.
Cheers
Karen |
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| 3rd sentence is an incomplete sentence but can be easily fixed. Love the descriptions. Nice. Too bad you're not 60 something. J |
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another idea: For her eyes to drill my heart and yank out pages of professions of passion.
You could write this: Her eyes drilled my heart and yanked out pages....You have another extra word and a complete sentence. |
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For her eyes to drill my heart and yank out pages of professions of passion. (this isn't a sentence-to drill is an infinitive, not a verb form. Ya need to rework this somehow.
The bus never came back, and neither did she.
(you can remove "and" and freplace it with a semicolon and it will give you another word for a subject in the other line. |
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