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Departures
The dead possum grew bigger every day. Anna walked on the other side of the road, avoiding the stinking blob that puffed in the sun. One day, the possum began shrinking. Finally it turned to dust.
Mama was in heaven, they said. The cancer puffed her up like the possum; now she was silvery dust.
Then came the cleansing rain.
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Comment by: Aria - 2008-05-23 12:56
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| You have great imagery and a wonderful story in 60 words, which is a feat in and of itself. A few constructive critiques though. Your introduction is great. Good opening, flow and imagery. However, when you reach 'Mama was in heaven..", there is no transitional line before it and then no transitional line after it. So when I read it, I went from 'mama was in heaven" to "The cleansing rain". If you connect those two the flow would be much greater. Other than that, I felt that your story portrayed innocence trying to understand the world around her. Good work. |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-04-30 07:36
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Quite a striking image, Suzanne - not sure I'll be able to get it out of my head.
I loved: 'now she was silvery dust' and the last line is great, so many interpretations of 'washing away'.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
karen |
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Good choice of an opening line : The dead possum grew bigger every day.
Attracts immediate interest or at least curiosity. The analogy of the demise of dead possum for cancer is somewhat unusual but seems to get the point across.
I assume the rain you mention in the final sentence is an analogy for time moving on, leaving only a memory of what once was.
Very well written. I’ve added this to my bookshelf
mynamelez |
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| Hi Suzanne, Very interesting take on the title. Odd, I used to warn my kids about playing in the road with road-kill, "If you don't want to look like that, stay out of the road." They lived to adulthood, so I guess it worked. LOL. Thanks for sharing. Kids are perceptive, but they are still kids. I think it's believable. J |
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Comment by: frees340 Online- 2008-04-24 19:39
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Its very pretty at the end, ugly at the beginning. Unique juxtaposition.
One thing though:
It feels like your story works like this : Then this happened. Then that happened. Here's some imagery and memory. Then this happened.
That isn't a story. That's a few sentences. You need transitions.
Don't be offended! A lot of people trying to cram it all into 60 words have the same problem! and I really like this story. |
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