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With Greater Eyes - WEE challenge #33
John made two eggs, one bacon. He ate like a bird as three chirped outside.
The television declared, “Two gunmen raided a liquor store… One piece of political tactics… Three Western states temperatures…
He kissed his wife twice, she stole one more. Three children played in the driveway.
Those with greater eyes would have seen.
He died at 2:13.
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-04-30 07:40
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Oh, very good, Steph. I like the clipped delivery and the prosaic domestic scene you've painted before shattering it so completely.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
karen |
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| fantastic work. I love that you planned it carefully and it is evident you put some thought into it. Even though poor John dies, the piece is really cute and almost whimsical to me. Birds chirping, kids playing...very Pleasantville...and then he just slips off to heaven. Lovely. |
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Comment by: troyarn - 2008-04-25 16:27
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| I liked the flow with this one. Very good read. And I really liked that line, ´Those with greater eyes would have seen´. For some reason that sticks with me. Thanks for sharing this and have a great weekend. |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-04-25 05:51
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| Very subtle, Stephanie, good job! Did you ever hear about the guy that woke up at 7 after 7 on Saturday (7th day of the week), hailed a cab which turned out to be number 77, the fare was $7.77, so he went to the race track and bet on horse number 7, figuring there was no way he could lose? Whelp, the horse came in 7th. |
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this is very good.
'
Those with greater eyes would have seen.' - left me a little baffled on the first read, but after a couple more goes it twigged and i was like 'ahhhh!'
agree with grae about the double usage of 'outside', and the dropping of the 'and' from the second sentence...but these are pretty minor crits.
great job |
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