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vanessaniki
Lady Bug
Online
United States, Ca, La Puente

Words: 62
Access: Public
Comments: 11

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Departures

We met at Portofino’s, the location of our first date.

I was greeted with a kiss of no comparison.

Lulling under the soft candlelight, I gazed at him

He spun me round, eyeing my curves.

“You look so sexy,” Neil said, lovingly

“Happy anniversary.” Kissing his parting lips, I longed for his next words

“I’m leaving you for a man.”

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Comments  
MikeMack Comment by: MikeMack - 2008-05-10 19:06
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The twist at the end was hands down amazing. Just a punch to the gut. I really liked it. Kudos
metaphysicalg Comment by: metaphysicalg Online- 2008-05-09 13:02
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LOL. Didn't see that coming.
karjon Comment by: karjon - 2008-05-01 12:20
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Nice twist and a good wee plot.

Picky stuff:

“Happy anniversary,” kissing his parting lips, I longed for his next words - should be a full stop after 'anniversary' and a capital 'K' for 'kissing' as it's not a speech tag. There's a full stop missing from the end of that line, and from the previous line.

Thanks for the read.

Cheers

Karen
Lee Lacuna Comment by: Lee Lacuna Online- 2008-04-28 19:12
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The ending came as a surprise because it didn't follow in any way from what preceded it.

Thought 'his parting lips' was nicely ironic.
MitchellNoel Comment by: MitchellNoel - 2008-04-26 08:42
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Does seem a little bit forced to fit into the word limit. They are in love then BAM he's gay. Although, I didn't see that coming. Enjoy the concept though. Need to fix up some commas and missing full stops. Good work :)
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By vanessaniki

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