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No Trespassing (Warning Signs-wee challenge)
“Hurry,” Jonas whispered.
“I can only pick the ones easy to reach.”
“You don’t want to stay hungry, do you? Another box of apples and we can leave.”
Boom!
The boys felt the burning rock-salt painfully enter their skin before farmer John appeared.
“Read my warning sign?”
“We can’t read big words. We’re only six years old.”
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-05-01 05:55
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Good stuff, Janyce - good dialogue. One minor crit - I don't think 'boom' needs to be in quotes as it mkaes it look like another line of dialogue rather than a sound effect.
Thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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| OUCH! yeah that's why I'm against guns...salt packed or otherwise. Guess they will learn not to steal again though. |
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People who have shotguns sometimes load the gun with the salt used to clear ice off the roads during a snow storm or used to make ice cream from scratch. If shot into someone, it doesn't kill them but embeds the salt into the skin causing extreme pain. Picture salt on an open cut.
It has to be dug out before it melts into the the body. I had to pick rock- salt out of my boyfriend's be-hind once. He was caught stealing watermelons in Oklahoma.
I knew a child who got it in the leg and part of his buttocks in New Hampshire stealing apples. He had to be rushed to the hospital and have it dug out. He was given a local anesthesia first, for the pain. My boyfriend didn't have that luxury. |
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| enjoy the concept and love that the bulk is dialogue, but agree it needs some fine tuning to be more realistic in the situation. And can someone please explain the rock-salt to me? haha, sorry. but i did enjoy this, reminds me of the days I used to sneak onto the golf course, grab golfer's balls (resist the urge to make a joke) and run for the hills. |
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good use of dialogue, it well conveyed the scene. rock salt, now there is a reference that may be lost no some reader, but I get.
my only critique is if the kids were only six, their motivation wouldn't seem to be stealing apples for hunger. I like that they were young, but perhaps "You don’t want to stay hungry, do you? Another box of apples and we can leave" should be reworded to reflect that either they are stealing apples to trade for money, or just stealing for the sake of stealing. I'd imagine more they'd be stealing for the sheer thrill of mischievy.
anyway, good dialogue |
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