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Afterwords
I hand her a shower towel
then go back to take a leak in the hotel
bathroom I keep the lights off
but I’m young and my eyes adjust
quick and that’s good because I forgot to lift
the toilet seat so I pinch the plumbing
and my urethra stings my right testicle
the lower one
stiffens ‘til the porcelain clanks and my floodgates
open with a splash
dead center of the deep end
and I can hear her giggles
from a room away I flush wash cup my hands
to form a draught beneath the faucet
and slurp like a fool because nothing beats cold tap
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Comment by: Juan2 - 2008-05-01 17:06
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thanks for the reads everyone, glad the poem is connecting. Made a small and simple but important change to that third line, much thanks cheryl and valerie for the suggestions on that one! again, thanks for stoppin' by
happy writings. |
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Comment by: Valerie - 2008-04-30 03:34
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| Hi John, I came back to read your poem again, and I don't know how I missed this the first time, but Alien is right about the "lights dark." several ways to get around this is, of course, her suggestion to keep them off, or keep the lights dimmed, or the room darkened. Hopes this helps. |
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Comment by: Mick - 2008-04-30 03:11
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Taking a piss in the dark is like a shot in the dark. lol. At least the seat was down and your aim is right. It's when you miss altogether, that's a worry.
Funny Piece John. ;o |
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Comment by: alien Online- 2008-04-29 06:10
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John - I ALWAYS enjoy your poems :)
No exception here, then.
True, this poem COULD work with punctuation but it DOES work without it because it is a stream ('scuse the pun hehe) of consciousness piece that mimics the way thoughts come.
It is jumbled and sometimes one does have to strain (god, there I go again) to read the piece but wow, imagine what it would be like if someone had to read your actual thoughts!
I like it. It works well because it is so intimate and true and real and right there. There's a shyness in here with the keeping the dark and handing her a towel (you can almost imagine him trying not to look at her as he does it).
One thing - can you keep lights dark? Maybe you could have just kept them off instead? I dunno - it's a really minor thing but I did notice it so I wanted to point it out.
I actually really love this and the more times I read it, the more I like it :) |
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Comment by: Dante - 2008-04-27 21:21
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| Your about as blunt as a kick in the balls on this one. I like it. "... so I pinch the plumbing" was great. Made me laugh. Thanks for sharing, D. |
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