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ALIEN CHALLENGE #14 - Unpunctuated - I Won't Wait
©2008, Janet K Poludniak
Life’s too short
to sit and wait
for those who would
procrastinate
afraid of love
of making friends
Before we realize
life ends
and in those desperate
final hours
the memory of loss devours
those silver shadows
of fleeting love
sent as gifts
from God above
Significance
is set at birth
but others break
and spoil our wares
till we believe
that no one cares
We mirror dreadful
hideous words
and all the pain
our heart incurs
then teach others
what we’re worth
but not that value
set at birth
I won't waste
another hour
letting others
steal my power
waiting while
they make a choice
I will shout
I'll raise my voice
I’m special
there’s no one like me
beautiful
sad you cannot see
loyal
but I’m not a fool
You may love
but you won't rule
No bird was ever
quite so free
I will fulfill my destiny
If no one joins me
in the way
no matter
'tis the course
that I will stay
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| Thanks Alien. I appreciate your comment and see what you mean about the last line. Maybe because it's the finale, the meaning of it is more important than the rhyming of it. Janet |
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Comment by: alien - 2008-05-01 01:48
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This is a good piece with a good rhythm. At times I thought it tripped up on its flow a little bit and I found myself stumbling over some of the phrases that didn't quite fit the running beat. But on the whole, good.
I found this very inspiring in its message, its sentiment something a lot more of us could do with adopting!
One thing totally ruined this for me: the final line's syntax inversion to force it into the rhyme scheme. I read that and I wanted to cry because I enjoyed the rest of the poem so much. I would much rather you'd just said that you'd stay your course rather than saying you your course would stay and damn the rhyme. I'm really sorry, Janet, but you know I have to be honest and with no malice at all, I say that this error cost you a place on the shortlist.
I enjoy your work immensely. |
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| Thanks Sudipal. This was for a competition and the requirement was NO punctuation. I'm one that uses it--not always correctly, but give it my best effort. Too many rules have changed since I was in school. Thanks for your comment. I've re-read it, and it reads fine to me. Obviously, punctuation would help it, but rules are rules. Janet |
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Comment by: sudipal - 2008-04-30 11:21
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| This is a beautiful poem. Though, the assembling of words in that last stanza seems a little awkward to speak aloud, and also to read without the punctuation. |
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| Thanks, Mitchell. If you had any idea what I grew up with and lived through subsequent to that, you'd realize that my being able to say that is nothing short of miraculous. Even if someone suggests I change it, I couldn't. Another thing we ALL need to realize is that we are ALL special, unique, valuable, full of potential, etc. I appreciate your comment. Janet |
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