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Departures
I held out as long as I could, sending the nurse the same voiceless question: “Is she here?” Shaking her head, she forced a smile.
Time passed. I heard an angel speak.
“My daddy... Jacobs... too late?... In there?”
I reached out as far as I could, squeezing her finger tight. "Goodbye, love."
And then, I left her.
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-05-01 06:10
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Aw, that was great, Mitch - so good to read after the other one.
Thanks for the story - and the sniffles.
Cheers
Karen |
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thanks everyone for you VERY helpful words.
Cheryl , that means a lot :) |
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Comment by: alien - 2008-04-29 05:55
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That is really amazing. There's really nothing I can add to improve it, I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading it. Brilliantly subtle and unsentimental.
Well written! |
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| Yes, definitely a solid piece. I agree that 'painfully' is over the top and a comma is needed after 'goodbye'. I'd also change the case of 'D' in 'My Daddy'. |
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yep, it's a tearjerker!
solid peace.
my only crit is perhaps (and i really do mean perhaps) dropping the 'painfully' from:
'Shaking her head, she (painfully) forced a smile.'
and adding a comma in:
'"Goodbye(,) love."'
a cracker. |
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