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insightariot
Insight aRiot
United States, Michigan, Detroit

Words: 45
Access: Public
Comments: 4

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Unchained

UNCHAINED
(01.13.08)


Him so often smitten,
By the hum of,
Her kitten,
Her pulsating rhythm,
Enough to,
Change his ambitions,
Internal fires erupting,
Enough to,
Unchain his,
Emotional commitments,
Her life juices,
Naturally sustaining,
Dripping love,
Drenching,
Once closed fists,
Her palms,
Now connected to his.

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Comments  
michellecoes Comment by: michellecoes - 2008-06-24 23:59
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All I could do when I finished reading this poem was smile. It was so pleasant and it did paint a suggestive picture. Most love poems I cant stand to finish reading but this one was very nice and drew me in. It also flowed very nicely. All in all, very very nice. I kinda have no critiques because it was so good.
btjeppes Comment by: btjeppes - 2008-04-27 00:09
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Talk about passion; you've nailed this. There are very few love poems that work, and most of the ones that do were written more than 50 years ago. I generally hate modern love poetry because it's all cliché now, but you've managed to create something very beautiful.

To be constructive, I will make one comment. When I first read it, I was really thrown off by the commas at the end of every line. After considering why you put them there, I can understand their placement. Still, they almost made me stop reading on that first read. Once I got past that though, I found this poem to be very beautiful. Good job.
metaphysicalg Comment by: metaphysicalg - 2008-04-26 20:29
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Has a great rhythm to it and paints a nice picture. Even though it's more love related, the way the words are put together still gives it a type of hard hitting power.
mikepyro Comment by: mikepyro - 2008-04-26 13:56
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nice style works well.
deeply romantic and ravishing for the short length. well done.
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