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The Midwife (Wee Story #33 Warning Sign)
60 wds.
_ _ for italics.
The pregnant woman's massive belly warned Aza of trouble.
Grandmother: “She won't work. Her husband is angry.” She scowled at her granddaughter. “_Fanya bidii._” Be courageous; take pains; work hard; pull yourself together.
Scorn bent Aza's lips; her eyes reflected flames within the rude hut. She slipped fingers inside and touched the soft head, felt for the child's pulse.
Stillborn.
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| grim and to the point. I liked that it didn't feel clipped - this made a perfect snapshot in the space given. I agree with Arley about swapping "felt" for "feeling." |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-05-01 06:15
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Great stuff, Tim - and as everyone has said, the last word, standing alone, is excellent.
Cheers
Karen |
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The last line is a killer!
Good job at explaining the warning signs of a miscarriage.
When my time comes around and there's a bun in the oven, I'll reflect on your womanly knowledge.
Than again, a swollen belly could also be gas... er, nevermind. |
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Good story.
I'm not sure you need the Swahili dialogue, though, when you then go on to provide alternative translations. She could have continued speaking English. |
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Well done, very dramatic. 3rd last line -- eye's or eyes ??
-C |
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