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Everything
I wasn't supposed to be here today
(I was supposed to be gone)
Itriedlyingtoyou
But everything came out all wrong
I was supposed to get on that plane
That would take me away from you.
But, that was one thing I couldn't bear
So turned and ran away.
Everything was going to be different
(and you know how I hate change)
So I ran out of the terminal
so I could come back to you.
Even though it's so cliche
And I've said it again and again
I love you more than anything
No matter what anyone says
I'm sorry I never told you this
Until it was almost too late
Just know that I just said everything
I ever meant to say
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| this sounds like something my "girlfriend" would say to me. But all in all, this poem made me feel sad. |
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I love the idea of you standing in an airport and deciding to ditch the value of your plane ticket and whatever lies at the plane's destination to be with a girl you were about to leave. The fact that you ditched the plane to be with her indicates this was an "one or the other" situation. Either you'd get the girl, or you'd take your flight. Very good.
Now, I mean this next thing to be helpful. I read this poem thrice in hopes to get something more, but it still seems incredibly cliché. I think you can greatly fix it by removing the primary cliché phrases. These exist primarily in the final stanza. A love poem that says, "I love you" is already cliché, but to follow that up by directly telling the reader that there are some who disapprove, and that you will now tell her "everything you always meant to say." I think readers are tired of the stereotypical oppressed and repressed love.
Now, if you really want to keep this stuff the same, at least present the information with unique images rather than just telling us.
It's a great idea behind this poem and with the proper work, you can really improve it. Don't be discouraged. |
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I like the sentiment that you intend to express but I'm not sure whether or not it succeeds based on the power of your description.
For instance, the line
Itriedlyingtoyou
Does that mean it's a thought that blurted out unintentionally?
I think there's a seed of something here. It just needs to grow.
F.C. |
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