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Warning Signs... Wee Challenge...
“Mommy, I can’t find my pet chicken anywhere.”
“Did you check under the bed, Sweetie?"
“No.”
“Well, you can look later, come along and eat your dinner first.”
“But Mommy-"
“Sara, I have no time for this.”
“Mommy, he could be hurt.”
“Sara-“
“What if Rover ate him?”
“Rover is sleeping, come and eat your dinner… I made chicken salad.”
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-05-01 13:01
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| Yep - that's fine now, Toni. |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-05-01 11:49
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Should I be laughing at this, given that I'm vegetarian? Hehe.
Yep - good story. You do need that comma after 'bed'. You also need to capitalise 'Mommy' and 'Sweety' since they are used as terms of address. You use an emm dash for one cut-off speech, but ellipsis for another - I'd go with the dash for both as it is becoming the norm.
Tiny, itsy-bitsy picky stuff aside, great stuff.
Cheers
Karen |
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When I was a little kid I would play with my food, but never because it was my friend before it was served...
This is black humor through and through. I love how the situation is driven exclusively by diologue. I don't think the story would have worked with any narration. For a situation as tense as this, you made the perfect choice.
LOL... where's my pet chicken?
In my BELLY! |
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Ha ha! This is fab. Ditto Rupert (this keeps happening...) on the name for the chicken - it's the only place where the dialogue seems unrealistic, as I can't hear a kid saying 'my pet chicken'. But it has to be obvious that it's a chicken, (Like 'Rover' for the dog). Best I can come up with is 'chooky chook-chook', but I freely admit that that's rubbish.
Thanks for the read XX |
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i love the 100% dialogue...make this story really edgy.
it would be nice if the chicken had a name, but would probably add confusion to the piece - great work for 60 words. |
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