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Departures... Wee Challenge...
I never thought saying goodbye would be so hard.
I flipped off my boss and left my job.
That made it easy for that bitch that I had called my wife to say goodbye to me.
When she left, I not only said goodbye to her but also to half of my life savings and my Mercedes.
Goodbyes are expensive…
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-05-01 13:23
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| Yay - that's it. |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-05-01 13:03
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And for once the ER count is actually correct, so you're three words short. If you think of anything to bring it up to the count, just let me know and I'll come back.
K. |
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-05-01 11:58
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I actually like the clipped delivery here, Toni. I noticed your comment about not sure if you can edit. You can ABSOLUTELY edit. That's part of what the Wee challenges are about - learning. We all help each other make the stories better. Any time you edit, just drop me a line in the thread, or send me a message, and I'll re-read.
Really enjoyed this one.
Cheers
Karen |
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| Hmmm the way you put it is rather similar to the way I have it... minor change... but it does improve the reading of it... I do like it...:p thnx... I don't think I m allowed to edit it though... |
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I think this reads hard ONLY because it’s so short and the 3rd sentence changes in the flow. You have “I never… “ and then “I flipped off… “ in the first two sentences. Third one? Now you have the wife’s reaction. I think “After that” is the wrong way to start sentence number 3. I think I know what you’re going for here, so I hope I don’t upset you by redoing this just a little different, trying to keep the same feel and style, if that’s okay (and if it isn’t, delete my comment, please). Also, it gives you 57 words. What do you think? Is it clearer WITHOUT losing your style and what you’re trying to say?
I never thought saying goodbye would be so hard.
I flipped off my boss and left my job.
That made it easy for my bitch of a wife to say goodbye to me.
When she left, I not only said goodbye to her but also to half of my life savings and my Mercedes.
Goodbyes are expensive…
And, I think goodbyes are hard BECAUSE they're expensive, not just in money, but in emotional angst and pain. |
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