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Childhood
The rain falls heavily outside, washing the world of its sins. He sits there his fingernails digging into the weather-beaten window pane, his nose pressed against the glass. His warm breath forms indistinct tormented images that melt away under his hot tears .Tears that run in little rivulets down his cheeks and over his chin, dripping onto his hands. Glancing back he sees his father sitting comfortably in his chair reading the newspaper whilst his mother drifts past giving him an empathizing look.
Outdoors puddles are born, muddy and murky, pulling on the strings of his simple heart. There is nothing inside for him, he tells himself. Who wants to read a book when everything that he needs to learn he can experience first hand outside? Who desires to watch TV when nature is giving its greatest show just a few meters away? He longs to taste the raindrops sweet with freedom and feel the icy stabs of the rain, bleeding out all the troubles of an eight year old boy. Grown ups know nothing he decides. Pulling off his shirt and trousers, he sneaks past the kitchen and out the door.
Muddy and wet he creates the only memories he’ll ever remember when he is old. Nothing will ever compare to the sweet release of emotion felt in the pouring rain and the beautiful simplicity of his complicated action.
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| Nope... This just typed itself out on my pc lmao... |
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| I was going to give this a line-edit, but other than a comma I think should be placed after "there" and before "his fingernails," and a few other things to clarify (like "outside" or "through the misty window" instead of "outdoors"), this is good. I feel the tug of nostalgia when I read it. Also, when I read soemthing THIS short, it amazes me when it captivates me. Something this short is a breath of air, and it has to hit hard. Yours does. It has a little story and a satisfying ending. I wonder if you wrote this for one of the short-short contests going on around Edit Red? |
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Comment by: Jarfuls - 2008-04-29 09:49
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| This piece ended in an interesting way. I really didn't expect the ending at all. But it spoke to the inner child in me, reminding me of rain puddles and mud pies. Ah, the innocence of youth. |
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I find this story particularly interesting because of the mature yet innocent associations within. At first glance I was surprised that an eight year old would understand sin or torment. However, I think (especially in today's society) that children understand so much more than we give them credit for.
Which leads me to my second point. There is such a dichotomy between the complex adult narrative and the agony over such a simple trial as 'not being allowed to go outside and play in the rain' that it almost seems out-of-place. It works though, and I think the story is better for it.
Small typos aside (because I think writing is about capturing essence and not restraining it in periods) I really think this is a great piece. It has fluidity and movement, imagery and heartache. There is a note of uplift when the boy finally gets outside, though we all know he will get in trouble when he is caught. I love the wild abandon, the 'no fear' attitude.
I wish we all remembered how to enjoy the little things in life and feel the world with our whole heart.
Thanks for the read. |
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cool piece. The last paragraph gives the story some extra depth. Strong visuals throughout. Rain is a powerful backdrop. thanks for sharing it.
A few typos:
comma after "he sits there"
"tears that run" should just be "tears run"
I would put a comma after "Outdoors" and after "nothing" and "muddy and wet"
also, I'd drop the word indistinct, it seems inconsistent w/ tormented images.
I love the climax of the boy stripping off his clothes, running out into the rain and mud, and the secrecy associated w/ it. that was very creative. |
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