I can still remember when you told me
Other siblings gathered around,
unsure of message to be announced
My heart,even now, grows heavy
Tears fill eyes at the thought

Looking around at the other stunned faces
We never knew, how could we know?
Doctor after doctor, always saying the same
"Nothing is wrong, go to a chiropractor,
you will be just fine"

You will never be "just fine" again
For they were wrong
One final doctor and then the diagnosis
Stage four pancreatic cancer

Feeling of disbelief and pain
Oh my god, she is dying, she will die
Wishing I had more time now
Feeling I had wasted so many opportunities

Hating all the fights, the arguments
All the times I had told you I hated you
A foolish rebellious teen
What I would give to have all that time back


I remember how quickly the disease spread
At first you could walk with help
Then it took control of you, withered you
She has six more months they said
Two months later you were gone

Brother I hardly spoke to and I caring for her
Log kept of all the meds given
I would wash you, comb your hair
I remember how soft your skin was
when I held your hand mother

Even now, the scent of your perfume
I smell in the air sometimes
And I still feel that soft skin,
still remember the look in your eyes
as you lay there, unable to speak

Brother and I would sing to you
He would read the Bible to you to soothe
When the pain would come, before the meds kicked in
I would read the paper to you
Long conversations at night
Reliving old memories while I still could

Sons taken to a hotel for the last 2 weeks
Best if they aren't around when "it" happens
So I go off to keep them safe
I leave you

Then other brother comes and gives the news
You are gone to me, to all of us
Forever

I feel so guilty now, still
I wasn't there when your spirit left you
I wasn't there when they took you away
I wasn't there when sister spread your ashes
Across the colorado rockies


Please forgive me mother
I had my sons to care for
I know you forgive me
How do I find my own forgiveness?

I love you mother
I miss you
You will live on forever
In me
Through me

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