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Tired
Skin beneath the eyes
twitching, jittering,
purple;
can't
jut fingers in and hold—
and sleep and float
among the clouds,
smiling,
just speeding
on the rocky pavement
on wheels without tires,
slowly eroding
the metal,
which agonizingly
screams
for coffee
to simply
let it keep
rolling,
keep going,
keep
going;
keep
borrowing
minutiaes
of minutes to grasp
thin threads of faux-
daylight
to sew
eyelids
up and keep them open,
with just
the purple
revealing
the effort.
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Comment by: Mick - 2008-04-30 02:50
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| I recon you could also call this piece 'Tyred' as you feel run over buy the piece by the end, which is great. Hits you like a truck in slow motion. Excellent work Eric. Love it :) |
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Dampens the effect my foot. It draws the poem out, which was clearly the intended effect.
"Can't" by itself was my favorite, but I loved the car without wheels image. "minutiaes of minutes" was clever, along with the structure of the repeated "keep going." Subject matter, visual presentation and actual execution are all good.
Who have you been reading recently? It is having a good effect. |
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| HMMMM I had just skimmed the title when I first read it and the first impression I had gotten was one of death actually...minus the word coffee but to me it could mean death as well... its probably close because death is an eternal sleep or maybe i m just off LOL either way this is very good...I like the imagery... |
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| You really worded exactly how I am feeling right now. To Mike: I think the "juttyness" Gives it more of an effect, It more accurately describes the mood of this poem. |
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| the imagery is great but the style is a bit too jutty, I understand waht you were going for but every word being seperate nearly dampens the effect a bit. that aside it is a very good piece. |
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