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The Angel Among Dogs
Her accent almost instantly quenched my thirsty ear, for it dripped of the Thames estuary and such was something queer to find anywhere in America let alone where I lived; but all I could do was listen; and I saw with some dismay that she had fallen in with the 'popular' girls, which meant that not only would I not be able to get up to bat, I was miles from the ballpark; and so I still did nothing and I just listened and I found out a bit more and slowly built up a convincing case in my mind to damn myself from, not only was she the most beautiful and stunning creature I had ever seen (which was an instant silver bullet to my power to speak), but hearing the conversation which she carried on with them made my lust boil further, her defense of all that it good and just to her friends who where attacking it furthered such desire to a point that I thought that I might break; but there still was no movement on my part and I, the eavesdropper still sat slumped against the wall; but still I did nothing; and even when I heard of her impending return to Britain, which signaled that it was these moment which would be the last chance that I would have in life to court the favor from the pristine example of English womanhood; and it still seemed as though my frame were made of lead and I remained a blueish spot against the wall which the ladies did not notice; and it happened like it always does, I did nothing and let the beautiful fish drop back into the sea, having never even baited my hook, and it was like it always was, I am mute, while my peers speak their hearts; but I write like a machine and pocket an extra fifty dollars a month; and while I am all the richer; I watch my friends with stunning examples of beauty; and I am, and it seems that I shall always be alone.
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Comment by: 12R - 2008-05-01 06:53
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Since your goal was a single sentence, I broke it down by clause.
Her accent almost instantly quenched my thirsty ear,
[almost instantly: You're qualifying an adverb]
for it dripped of the Thames estuary and such was something queer to find anywhere in America let alone where I lived;
[such was begins a new independent clause thus you need a comma before and. You may need a comma before let]
but all I could do was listen;
[but is a conjunction and thus you need to separate the two clauses with a comma.]
and I saw with some dismay that she had fallen in with the 'popular' girls,
[would this make her a dog also? Sleep with dogs. Get fleas with dogs. As a personal preference I would remove your single quotes.]
which meant that not only would I not be able to get up to bat,
[This dependent clause was fine except for the cliché]
I was miles from the ballpark;
[This independent clause was fine except for the continuance of the cliché]
and so I still did nothing and I just listened and I found out a bit more and slowly built up a convincing case in my mind to damn myself from, not only was she the most beautiful and stunning creature I had ever seen (which was an instant silver bullet to my power to speak),
[I just listened is independent. You need a comma. Same for: I found out... from is a preposition without an object and thus should be cut or given one. Why use parenthesis now? This cliché that you have purposefully made stand out should be cut entirely.]
but hearing the conversation which she carried on with them made my lust boil further,
[hearing the conversation... is a dependent clause so no comma before but. Lust is an abstract thought... give the reader something real to hold on to]
her defense of all that it good and just to her friends who where attacking it furthered such desire to a point that I thought that I might break;
[it = is? where=were? I guess angel is having an argument... what argument? Are you sacrificing meaningful dialogue by attempting the one sentence gimmick. 'thought I might break' in the narrator's head once again]
but there still was no movement on my part and I, the eavesdropper still sat slumped against the wall;
[using but means no semicolon. Also... here's one of your absolute worst errors. You start a new independent clause without a comma before and by using the subject 'I' and you describe the subject with an appositive so long that you forgot that sentences and clauses need verbs. I know you forgot your verb... why... because of the next semicolon.]
but still I did nothing;
[but means you dont need a semicolon. So lets look at a section of the sentence without the previously mentioned appositive: “but there was still no movement on my part and I; but still I did nothing.” What were you doing instead of nothing... no one is ever doing nothing. The dead are rotting. ]
and even when I heard of her impending return to Britain,
[and means you dont need a semicolon. Finally, some backstory, but you are telling it instead of showing it... you don't let the reader know how, where or what you heard.]
which signaled that it was these moment which would be the last chance that I would have in life to court the favor from the pristine example of English womanhood;
[I'm pretty sure there's no comma before which. These = this? Why is she the pristine example? I don't have a single visual image of any character or even the setting by what you have written. This dependent clause is a nasty cluster of prepositional phrases. I've been ready to take an actual in-between-sentences breath.]
and it still seemed as though my frame were made of lead and I remained a blueish spot against the wall which the ladies did not notice;
[and means you dont need a semicolon. You have a subject-verb agreement error: were should be was. I remained is independent, so there should be a comma before and. They didn't notice the random creepy guy hanging against the wall? You're finally trying to give an image of the narrator? Is he wearing a blue jumpsuit? Is he from the Blueman Group? This is ambiguous.]
and it happened like it always does,
[it?]
[oh yeah... and means you dont need a semicolon]
I did nothing and let the beautiful fish drop back into the sea, having never even baited my hook,
[It's finally just a straight and true runon sentence. This IS a runon sentence as is this entire sentence. You have a comma then a new independent clause without a semicolon or conjunction. Also... there's a terrible cliché present.]
and it was like it always was,
[It?]
I am mute,
[There should be a colon before this independent clause. The equal rule would actually work here.]
while my peers speak their hearts;
[The comma before while is unnecessary. Who are his peers... the dogs? Is he a dog too? Or have you switched to a new invisible party of friends that have not been mentioned?]
but I write like a machine and pocket an extra fifty dollars a month;
[but means you dont need a semicolon. Finally... some real... nontelling... character development (I'm out of breath this far into the sentence). So I guess he is a writer for some publication? I know his editor doesn't allow runons, comma splices, or incorrectly used semicolons.]
and while I am all the richer;
[and means you don't need a semicolon. You can't just say “while I'm all the richer” and just forget the thought....... richer than who else? The dogs? The angel? What did you do “while you are all the richer”....?]
I watch my friends with stunning examples of beauty;
[Technically the semicolon is the closest thing to a correct usage so far, but the equals rule isn't there so you need a period. THIS IS the start of a NEW THOUGHT. You're talking about the invisible other party again too. Why are they stunning? I might think they're ugly if you actually described them.]
and I am,
[Indeed, you are.]
[Oh yeah... and again: and means you dont need a semicolon... I should have control+c'ed that by now.]
and it seems that I shall always be alone.
[I retract my previous statement. This is my favorite part... its a single independent clause correctly executed and the end of this “Love story (if it counts as that).” Also... I can finally take a 'period' breath.]
As my closing statement: I know Editred doesn't support truly negative comments, and I never intended to give one, but when you argue about true constructive criticism then you make me pull the entire piece apart. I have to say: This entire piece is awful. There is not a single part I would keep to this entire “sentence.”
I still think your title is inappropriate and wrong, but it may tell more story than this entire sentence.
All thrive,
12R |
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Comment by: Jorbian Online- 2008-04-30 22:22
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| ITs a metaphor as far as that last comment goes. In the same way her friends are dogs she is an angel. I thought that made sense. |
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Comment by: 12R - 2008-04-30 19:42
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--You don't separate dependent clauses with semicolons. And your comma usage is wrong in many places.
[Edit] You also don't separate independent clauses that have conjunctions.
--You're telling us she's an angel. We're supposed to take your word for it? |
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Comment by: brad19 - 2008-04-30 19:36
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| I get the title. It's am amazing piece as well and appropriately titled to match the feelings and attitudes conveyed in the piece. Loved it. |
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Comment by: Jorbian Online- 2008-04-29 17:19
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My title refers to their attitudes, they are dogs for who they are on the inside. While they may be as beautiful as the angel among them outwardly, inwardly they are worse then dogs. Does that make sense?
And as far as I know this did not become a runon, for I made sure that every 'sentence' had a word which made it a dependent clause. If you spotted something that I missed in that reguard please point it out. I was looking to write a whole story in a single sentence, by just attaching several depdendent clauses together.
I thank you for this critism. This was meant to be one sentence with dependent clauses, and normally my mind would halt progression through when I found a runon but I have skimmed several times and am unsure what you mean as to say that another sentence is pouluting the one which this is supposed to be. |
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