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noneedtofocus
Stephen Moore
United States, California, Berkeley

Words: 215
Access: Public
Comments: 4

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Progess

I pulled the first one on my eighteenth birthday. In the bathroom right before my mother cut the cake I wedged a butter knife under a bottom left molar and crank. Two tries and it tore right out. If you have ever chomped on some aluminum you know the feeling. It cracked from the bone but came out whole. My tooth looked like any other tooth that hadn’t seen a dentist in three years. I held it on the counter between my thumb and forefinger and smashed it with the knife handle. Nothing. I had pulled the wrong one. Without further instructions I decided it would be best to return to the table. I washed my mouth out. The warm water felt cool over fresh nerves. I shoved some toilet paper in the socket and walked out the door.

When a single cylindrical sprinkle enters an empty molar socket it feels like folding a compound fracture of the femur back into place.

When my Grandmother asked me what happened I said I bit my tongue. Sniff. Spit. Gum blood chocolate paper truffle. The worst metallic tasting treat ever seen.

“Don’t be so careless,” my mother said. Burst static. Channel changing and frequency interference. A smooth continuous wave of collision.

“I was being careful.”

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Comments  
12R Comment by: 12R - 2008-04-30 07:27
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+Excellent.

-Biggest problem is I'm not sure you should address the reader with: "Imagine folding a compound fracture of the femur back into place." I really like the line, but I don't think its good to address the reader in this short story. You're 'telling' them to imagine. You should show them and let them imagine of their own free will. Same for other times you address the reader.

-'The warm water felt cool' You should find a different word than cool, like soothing.

+++++ [Applauds] When my Grandmother asked me what happened I said I bit my tongue. Sniff. Spit. Gum blood chocolate paper truffle. The worst metallic tasting treat you’ve ever seen.
-just take out the "you've" -> The worst metallic tasting treat ever seen.
+I love that paragraph... excellent, and it really sold the piece for me.

-Should crank be cranked?
jennhall Comment by: jennhall - 2008-04-30 02:34
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Very descriptive. I knew what was going on right off.
Andrew Thurman Comment by: Andrew Thurman - 2008-04-29 19:43
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That was cool and very, very original. I need to try some 'crazy' writing soon.

Line three, I don't know if teeth are connected to bone or not, but I don't think so. You know about compound fractures of the femur, however, so I might be foolish is doubting the validity of this line.
Very, very nitpicky, but too many "I"s are at the start of your lines in the first paragraph for my tastes.

"Without further instructions" let me know what was going on perfectly well. Its clear enough, don't play. "Gum blood chocolate paper truffle" is perfect, short and very descriptive. The last three are also excellent.

Even though it is analytical and maintains the creepy atmosphere, the pain complaints don't seem to fit to me. Shakes it slightly. That said, it was an awesome flash fiction. Short, colorful, and has an immediate effect on the reader.
Jorbian Comment by: Jorbian Online- 2008-04-29 19:04
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I am not sure what you were trying to do. I found it interesting. I don't know if this was purposeful or not, but one question does come to mind, and that is: 'why?'
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By noneedtofocus

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