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Perfection - Alien Poetry #15
Upon my body I rest my mind and draw,
A picture of who I wish I was outside.
A portrait that colors a beauty I wish I saw.
I pick apart the flaws I cannot hide,
Like wounding scissors on my face I cut.
I live in ever emotional suicide.
I analyze the path I once could strut.
By candlelight I stare and evil glare.
My lips, my eyes - I mentally garrote.
My hips, my thighs; the hidden sadness there
And your kind words will never bring it back.
I cannot hear words past my constant stare.
The dark visage of social perfection I lack,
The handprints of anguish I stamp in skin,
I laugh at lingerie’s attempt to attract.
And I’ll go on despite my heavy cage
A common burden of this day and age.
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Comment by: alien - 2008-05-06 07:20
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I think it's a testament to how hard we all find writing in strict form and metre these days because when we have to, we tend to go rigid and wide-eyed and so does the language.
There are a lot of place here where the words don't conform to a strict iambic pentameter. You need to read it aloud and get the rhythm going in yiour head. Having said that, the lines still seem rigid and unnatural, as though you were trying to conform to the meter.
Remember - the reason that iambic pentameter is so popular in English poetry is because it's to rhythm that most naturally suits the English langue as it is spoken out loud. Read your poem out loud and see if it sounds natural. Use enjambment more - a lot more - to make this poem flow more freely. When you read it, it should sound more like you are speaking normally. Less forced.
The subject - it's honest, it's something we can all identify with. It's safe. It's not new. It doesn't take me anywhere I haven't already been. Try finding a new angle to look at it from. Try being the mirror, or the thighs or even the lingerie.
I love your work but this needs more attention before it can become a serious contender here. |
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Hi Stephie, I think the last two lines should rhyme with the middle line of the stanza before it. I love the sentiment of the poem. Some of the rhythm sees a bit off. If you read it aloud, ta-da ta-da ta-da ta-da ta-da it will help you see where the iambic accent is falling and pentameter is 5 beats.
For example: upON my BOdy I rest MY mind AND draw. Then adjust your wording so the emphasis is on the words you want to be stronger.
my EYES and MIND rest ON the FORM I DRAW. Just an example. Good luck with the challenge. Janet |
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| yeah agree with the others. great work. so honest and certainly something we can all relate to. it's weird isn't it, how so many of us feel scared of something society expects from us...but if we all feel that way, why doesn't it go away? anyway, thanks again :) |
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| This is good, a strong, relevant message. I think you're right about the meter though. The fifth verse stands out as being less metrical than the others. Perhaps this should be tighter or, better still, be less strict with yourself in the rest of the poem. The last two lines though are strong, classic iambic pentameter but without compromising the flow of language at all. This makes a powerful ending. Good stuff! |
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Comment by: - 2008-05-02 07:51
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| The emotional cost of conformity in a society that loves beauty but only that which it sees, not that which takes labour to apprehend and process. The meter is interesting, I have played with such fancies too but it is for more labouring minds than my own. Mentally garotting - comedic image - appears a little strong for self-criticism, even if for the sake of meter. ;-) |
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