 |
 |
 |
| |
Syd’s Last Trip
Under lime green sky in tangerine meadows
Your Cambridge smoking joker mellows
In my soaking greatcoat in the neon dark
I lay down by the ponds in Richmond Park
UFO made Roundhouse Games for May
Solarised trips mirrored telecaster today
Squadrons of saucers descending on my brain
Acid flashbacks burning on my midnight train
Rocket loaders exploders amplified light
Blue on blue flash fire is caught in flight
Beat strobes flashing turning intravenous bleed
Fantasy gamblers run get go for speed
Coming back return the same on phase
Werving blinjing gleeding liding plays
Soaring altercourses rear in and out
In stifled silent screams inside out I shout
Zippo lighter skims strings steel crescendo
Faster master blaster strumming drums arpeggio
Organs swirling drumbeats lightning bass thundering
But the Piper at the Gates to me is calling
My Mandrax mask is slowly melting
The wax across my face is dripping
The cockerels croak and frogs all crow
It’s getting near the time to go
They’re using up my energy for fuel
I pay them from my synergy it’s cruel
But they want more and so I shut my eyes
Close my mind’s door shut out the octopus cries
Pulse beats faster Doctor John’s prescription
As I head towards disaster is long since gone
I’m drowning deep, mad-woman in the attic
In my own in dreams is getting very frantic
Now only ghostly children dance in glee
These zombies turning tail are after me
In the crumbling mansion nursery crimes
“So go on Syd, tell us more pretty rhymes”
Childhood dreams corrupt dust into nightmares
They chase me helter-skelter down the stairs
They slide down hallways polished oak bannisters
Midnight feast on sweetshop chemicals
“We’ll say our prayers, AND go to Hell
But push YOU down the Wishing Well
Your floating river’s memory never
Come play with us for ever and ever”
Pantomime clowns and marionettes grotesque
Peel back ventriloquist’s dummy mask
I have no face! It’s ME! I have no head!
I’m free, inside my head, now that it’s dead
Light the lamp its getting dark here in my mind
I never meant to be so tragically unkind
But now I only want to swim and play
Just be a terrapin and no-one else today
Then leave me alone, the lights are all on
I’m so far from home but there’s no one in
I lost my way ………………………….
In the woods today
Want to comment on this Poetry?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Poetry and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
|
|
| You know what? I think a rhyming shceme would actually really fit with the idea of madness. It makes me think of Alice in Wonderland ("T'was Briliig....") The spin and the decline happen naturally in the language, but with the structure, we can, perhaps, get a view on his mindset during the trip. This one's up to you, but I think it would be a great asset to this and I would love to see it done. |
|
|
| Hi, thanks for advice. I was really focussed on getting couplets to work together, and didnt pay too much heed to the rather humpy rythm. I think its overlong as well, and the second part is the more important bit. Given that its describing the descent into madness following over-ingestion of LSD by the late Syd Barrett (ex-leader of Pink Floyd) Im not sure how much structure it should have. I was tempted to do a "cut-up" job on it, completely randomise lines and images, but I also wanted it to convey the sense of being relatively sane and detached in between narco-psychotic episodes. Maybe I could do a mix of two types of verse, the structured one you suggest contrasting with random freeform. The whole thing would jarrr like mad, but I guess thats what its about! Thanks again. |
|
|
As an afterthought, here is an example of how the first stanza could fit.
"Under lime green sky in tangerine meadows
Your Cambridge smoking joker mellows
I'm soaking in the neon dark
Down by the ponds in Richmond Park"
What do you think? |
|
|
This is a really cool piece. I'm in love with the language.
buuut... the rhyme scheme is off/ So while some lines follow the duh-duh, duh-duh, duh-duh, duh-duh, others do not, which throws off the flow of it.
You'd have to do some major editing (just fixing lines to fit the scheme) But I think it would be a stronger piece with a more solid rhythm.
Good work. |
| 1 |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
