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Definition of Pain
Asked Webster to explain this thing… pain.
I read definitions; nothing helped.
I heard the words as a cripple complained;
He spoke of every bad hand he’d been dealt.
I listened, I left. A hole in my soul;
I couldn’t feel his pain, how he had felt.
Knew a gambler beyond out of control,
Endless guilt; there was only him to blame.
I saw him hang himself; I just felt cold.
I felt nothing for their tragedy… no pain.
The rain, I know is real; something I feel
I can’t touch loss when I’ve nothing to gain
Muttering to myself; “hey, what is real?”
I beg for emotion! I’d fight, I’d steal.
I heard alcohol might teach me some pain
Broke, disillusioned, in my own hell.
I saw! I met! HER… you know, what’s her name.
I strayed from pain; I followed her smell.
Still in the storm, but lightning love has struck
Didn’t trip into love; I flat out fell.
Pain was obscured by desire; burning lust!
I could taste joy every time she smiled.
I saw no wrongs and tasted sugar dust;
A metallic man, now a gilded child.
Immersed in bliss; living, truly alive.
A fire burning can’t contain what is wild
I wake, I open innocent brown eyes
Alone, no girl, no love; just rain on my…
My god! I’m losing breath! Wait! What is that?
A letter. Maybe it says be back soon.
Hit by a train with those words; what is that!?
“I never loved you;” impending doom.
Just a letter: “To whom it may concern”
She had someone else, I was just “to whom”
Never loved me? Leaving me to burn?
Carved words in my skin like coal, black venom.
My head is a cyclone, my stomach churns…
Choke on tears of rotten, salted lemons.
I’ve been in the storm; I now taste the rain;
Barbed wire anguish rips through my denim.
I’ll never forget good, old what’s her name…
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Comment by: Apollo - 2008-05-13 03:03
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| What's the word limit again? ;) Thanks for the critique I think you are absolutely correct... when I wrote it I felt like I could have made it longer but tried to keep it short becuase I dunno I feel like people get bored, and everyone's into "Flash Fiction" and instant gratification and what not... I'm gonna write it how it should of been written... before the 15th... Man if it's not school it's this web site that's got me pulling all nighters... oh the curse of being a writer... thanks Cheryl... |
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Comment by: alien Online- 2008-05-13 02:19
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I mean, I really think there's a powerful force of emotion in here. There's some beautiful lines: "A metallic man, now a gilded child" is my favourite.
The thing about being so close to your subject, which you clearly are here, is that no poem could ever be long enough to express the depth of the emotion. That's a given. This causes you to be vague in some places, because you're trying to express an emotion in a few lines that would take up a novel-length work to describe.
"Next I, I met HER; you know, what’s her name.
I strayed from the path; followed her smell.
Still in the storm, but couldn’t feel the rain.
Didn’t trip into love; I flat out fell.
Unstable but uncomfortably well…
I could taste joy every time she smiled.
Immersed in bliss; living, truly alive.
A metallic man, now a gilded child."
Here - though I love it - you're trying to squeeze the whole experience of falling in love into eight lines!!! Unless you distill this into a series of images and metaphors, I don't think it's possible to do it effectively.
And then you're putting in infomation which to you seems of the utmost importance, and you feel that without it, the piece wouldn't be understood - but really it's not necessary:
"She slept with my brother."
whilst she may well have done, and whilst we all know that's bad, you've already expressed the 'problem' with the lines: "Never loved me? Leaving me to burn?
She wrote distant words in coal, black venom."
See?
I think the most effective part of this poem is bit near the end:
"My stomach churns…
Choke on tears of rotten, salted lemons.
Back in the storm, feeling icy, blood rain;
Barbed wire anguish rips through my denim."
because it's something the reader can actually get their teeth into and feel along wth your narrator.
I guess the main problem with all this is that you're trying to set up a poem that needs to be MUCH longer to do its job. You're trying to squeeze TOO MUCH into this short space but the compression isn't as effective as it could be.
The whole section at the ebginning sets the scene but you have to ask yourself, what is this poem ABOUT? If it's aout the definition of pain, you need to dwell less on the latter section. If it's about the broen heart, you need to dwell less on the setting-up.
My opinion: either condense this and get rid of anything that's not relaetd to the core of the piece or lengthen it and get the emotions out fully (which, tbh, would probably not make too interesting a read for anyone but yourself as poetry's emotional appeal comes from it's immediacy, sometimes).
It's really hard to explain what I mean. I hope it helps you some and if this is a true poem about your experiences, my advice isn't trying to belittle how you feel, it's just about the poem you wrote. |
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| ya...i like this. your style is so literal but it's direct and clear that i can really appreciate it. |
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Comment by: alien Online- 2008-05-06 07:46
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I think you need to take a more careful look at the metre here because it doesn't read like iambic pentameter in a lot of places.
I think you've got a fine piece of work here though I do think that more careful editing in perhaps a week or two could produce something much finer and more powerful. It's not always a good idea to write on the back of an emotional flurry and then tear it off and send it right in. That seems like what we've got here. There is more work to be done.
A few places to note were the heavy use of elipses in stanza 2 - I like elipses but there are too many there. You can also make use of enjambment to make this poem sound more natural to the ear. At the moment it seems very grandiose and that makes it a little ironic in tone rather than honest.
Just put it away and read it again in a week and see how you feel about it. I'll bet you'll spend another hour and make it into a blinding poem :) |
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OMG this was beautiful! I almost cried. I don't have any critics. Thanks for the read.
Verdi |
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