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Two A One
Who am I?
Where do I belong?
When somewhere before I turned around
And there was you,
Looking clear through me,
Making me quiver
With the sensations
Of a new day.
Can we capture
The light together?
Can we enter the sky?
Can we know all the
Pleasures of you and I?
When I’m around you I feel . . .
Like a gilded bird on wing
Soaring ever higher
With the song you sing
In your eyes
I glimpse nirvana,
In your kiss
I taste my freedom,
And my only dream is
To spend a lifetime
In life time
With you.
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Comment by: alcarty - 2008-05-18 19:57
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| The last four lines are what the story is about. I don't think rhyming moves the poem along. To me this should not be a poem anyway. There is enough truth and movement for a short story. You have the feeling and the touch to bring it out in words, so maybe think about expanding this to a longer piece, I mean story and dialogue and narrative and characterization. I just thought this could be a fully realized little story. Good prescence. |
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Comment by: vlm - 2008-05-17 17:05
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Well, your point on the ending is apt but I think a bit misunderstood. Allow me to clarify: The lines
"And my only dream is
To spend a lifetime
In life time
With you." refers to the fullness of living within the period of time alloted us individually. Living a "lifetime" means not simply existing but realizing the potential that love can bring into one's life and "life time" is the chronological aspect of being together and in love.
I simply thought it was cute to use basically the same term in slightly different ways. I thought it would be understandable if one thought about it a bit.
Again, thanks for the feedback. Your comments are always astute and thoughtful and ultimately helpful to my growth. |
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A nice work--and most of it evolved very nicely, although I'm not sure I really understand the subtlety of
"And my only dream is
To spend a lifetime
In life time
With you."
If it's not clear, off the bat, it may not be the best choice of words.???
If you just want to say, My dream is to eternally spend life with you, why not find a way to say it that will be direct and to the point, so there will be no question in anyone's mind. :-) |
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Comment by: vlm - 2008-05-12 15:06
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| Thank you both for your valuable comments. I try to write from a place of reality mixed with emotional metaphor. I worry most about my work appearing maudlin or pathetic. It seems your views validate my intent. Again, thanks for the feedback. :D |
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| I like the way the poem is unfeigned. The person being a promise of new life and freedom from old. very well written. |
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