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Untitled (In need for title)
A/N This one is just something that came to mind after reading a line from Macbeth. The first line from this poem is the actual line from Macbeth that inspired this. It is still a work in progress.
"Why should I play the Roman fool?"
I who treated you like life itself
pampered you with gifts and jewels
I shall not bring this spectacle of a love
to an abrupt end with my own hand
There will be no blood of my own
shed by my very sword
You speak'st of love and honor
yet you were the thorn from
the most beautiful rose, that
struck my heart and took it to the grave
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The English major in me always smiles at a work that is inspired by one of the classics. It is an overall decent write, but I have a few ideas that may help improve.
"Why should I play the Roman fool?"
I who treated you like life itself
pampered you with gifts and jewels"
This stanza could use some precision. Rather than just saying "jewels and gifts" why not give us a specific jewel, or specific gift. Especially if you aren't going for a particular form of poetry, go into detail, but even if you are....the best poems find the exact word to paint the image, and still hold to the format.
"I shall not bring this spectacle of a love
to an abrupt end with my own hand
There will be no blood of my own
shed by my very sword"
This stanza suffers from an awkward format. There is an overuse of prepositions all in sequence " of a love/ to an abrubt..." I usually find that cases like these make the poetry a little awkward to read. The last part is a little cluttered. As the blood that is shed is far away from what is doing the shedding. I would also suggest avoiding things like "very". There isn't much room for qualifiers like that in poetry.
"You speak'st of love and honor
yet you were the thorn from
the most beautiful rose, that
struck my heart and took it to the grave"
This stanza uses a somewhat cliche image in an old way. The thorn from the rose is a really old image. When used tactfully these do add flavor, but I would suggesting making it a less central part of the idea of this stanza, or personify it in a new way to give it a little bit more life.
Overall, the poem deals with something that the reader can relate to. It does have its shining moments.
"I shall not bring this spectacle of a love" Calling love a spectacle really brings the speaker's anger into focus, though, I would personally leave out "of a" and rewrite the line "I Shall not bring this spectacle, love" That is just my opinion, but it brings love closer to the thing that is modifying it. With a little more detail and a little more playing around with format and the words, this piece could be fixed up nicely. |
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| Not bad, keep up the good work. The title of a poem is one of the most important parts to a poem. If you need one, use a word or few words that describe the feeling you are portraying in this work, just a though! |
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