 |
 |
 |
| |
Caring Without Character
The cab pulled to the curb just as the passenger in the back raised the barrel of the hand gun. The eyes said it all, cruelty, hunger and despair as he looked into his face.
He seemed to feed from the echoes of thoughts lasered onto his retinas, tasting the silent screams of the driver's terror. Incoherent pleas formed behind an adam's apple gone thick with fear. He felt his failure swamp his thoughts. Maybe he deserved this.
Magnesium glare as the flashes grabbed the details. Here a spray of red as the high velocity projectile forced flesh from bone and severed an artery. The eyes said it all, blank, lifeless as they looked at the gun in his dead fingers.
The blood spattered cabbie babbled of his escape as the crazy guy placed the muzzle just below his own jaw and pulled the trigger.
Want to comment on this Flash Fiction?
Sign up to Edit Red and you will be able to comment on Flash Fiction and get access to: Upload your own stories and poems, get readers and their feedback, promote your work...
|
 |
|
[Back to top]
|
|
|
|
Intricate detail. You handled these characters very well...what an agonizing few moments you have described here (although not agonizing to read...but eh, I'm sure you catch my drift.)
Thanks! |
|
|
| The eloquent description gave the piece some very good tension. I liked it, but the only thing I would say is to change "the crazy guy". Those three words stick out so much in this piece, because you could do so much more with it. It could be the cabbies old friend, or even a family member like a brother or father. Something like that gives your amazing descriptions another twist. I don't know, just sort of rambling here. |
|
|
great ending, style and voice. excellent detail.
would like to know more from the story though, it leaves the reader a bit empty. but the emptiness fills with the fact that you've just finished a wonderful work of writing. |
|
|
I have to admit, I liked the middle two paragraphs a lot, being as they conveyed the alien and dissociated sense very well, but I was not very impressed by the last paragraph, and the first was much too melodramatic for my taste.
In that sense, here are some suggestions. . .
The cabbie pulled over to the curb, and his passenger raised the handgun. (the next sentence is just too much. Instead, try) He stared into the man's eyes, perhaps trying to read the passenger's motivation--was it cruelty or dispair?
The man seemed to feed off the echoes of thoughts lasered onto his retinas, tasting the driver's silent screams. Incoherent pleas were stifled, locked behind an adam's apple gone thick with fear. His failed life swamped his thoughts. Maybe he deserved this.
Magnesium glares as the flash grabs the details: here a spray of red as the bullet forced flesh from bone and severed an artery, there a grey smudge of brain. The eyes are blank, echoing an empty life. --the change in tense emphasizes the shift to a later time.
The blood-spattered cabbie gulps air as he tells the cops--he put the gun beneath his chin and fired. Didn't say a word.
--Not sure how much this relates to your original tone, but I hope that it gives you some ideas, at least. |
|
|
very cool. You have awesome visuals in this. I had a bit of trouble parsing this sentence...
"He seemed to feed from the echoes of thoughts lasered onto his retinas from the silent screams of the driver's terror."
...you may wish to edit it, perhaps making two sentences out of it.
Still, quite an emotional ride, with a great twist. |
| 1 2 Next |
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
