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Liquid Keys (Wee Challenge 34)
The key was in biochemistry. If William could just figure out the right ingredients, he would have a ‘magic’ formula. Girls would swoon and the jocks would back off. He had to find the right combination.
Jekyll and Hyde? Maybe, but he’d checked out The Nutty Professor, too, to research all the pitfalls. He’d watched both the Eddie Murphy version and the original Jerry Lewis. Yes, William was nerdy enough to watch old fashioned crap like Jerry Lewis. One of a number of reasons why he was working on his formula to make himself popular. There just had to be a scientific way to solve his social ills.
William took another look at the vials in his collection. The liquids danced and enticed.
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Comment by: karjon Online- 2008-05-18 14:08
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Hehe - very good, Kirsten, I enjoyed that one. I think I dated this guy at one point...
Cheers
Karen |
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pretty neat, Kirsten. I've got just one minor nit:
"One of a number of reasons why he was working on his formula to make himself popular" [this is a fragment and a bit clunky. Perhaps reword to: One of many reasons why he worked on his formula was to make himself popular."] |
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| Teenaged angst always makes for a good story. Loved this one - poor William was willing to try anything. Very believable sympathetic MC. |
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my only crit:
Maybe, but he’d checked out The Nutty Professor, (too), to research all the pitfalls.
- would dump the 'too'. it's not needed and sounds kinda clumsy.
i love the last line, what a image. |
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I agree that the last paragraph is maybe a little too much. The suggestion to make the last line of the paragraph before it stand on its own is a good one. Maybe it's because you mentioned the movies but I can imagine a nerdy little teenager with huge, thick glasses mixing chemicals over and over in an attempt to find the perfect combination. And it's a hilarious thought. Maybe not exactly what you were going for but...my mind is a little different.
I like it. The last two sentences are a little too much but it's otherwise good for me. |
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