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nonalienabductee
Niccole Segura
United States, Pennsylvania/Ohio

Words: 158
Access: Public
Comments: 7

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Too Late

They went to the roof.  She was crying, snot mixed with mascara smeared all over her face, and he shuddered.


“You promised you’d leave her,” she said. 


“We shouldn’t be talking about this here.  We’ll discuss it at home.”


“I’m pregnant.  A boy.”  Her tone was leaden.


He gasped.  “R-really?  After all this time?”  Her smudged face, so hideous a moment ago, seemed noble—they were going to have a son!  “Oh, honey, I’m so happy.”


She laughed bitterly and walked away.  “Too late.”


Confused, he noticed that she was moving closer to the edge.  “What?  Honey—be careful!” 


Her toes stood on air, her expression strangely triumphant.


His paralysis broke just as she toppled with a scream.  He stared at her broken body, already surrounded by bystanders.  They pointed up at him, and he closed his eyes.


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Comments  
wgallant Comment by: wgallant Online- 2008-05-26 13:40
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I disagree entirely about the "too lates". The title should ALWAYS reflect a moment in the story. Damn lotta content in damn few words. Good on 'ya.
BethShanFan Comment by: BethShanFan - 2008-05-21 12:10
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This is dark. Dark takes guts. Gutsy writing impresses me. Consider me impressed.

I especially love the line "His paralysis broke just as she toppled with a scream." Although, "toppled" seems to denote an unavoidable fall, and I can work with the scream but that was a little weird to read at first. But good job. This definitely gets two thumbs up!
LucyInDaSky Comment by: LucyInDaSky - 2008-05-06 12:47
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this is very strong, loved how it came out
Saswat Comment by: Saswat - 2008-05-06 00:43
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Nice one. The story played itself right in front of my eyes and made me wonder what events might have lead to this tragic climax.
champagne Comment by: champagne Online- 2008-05-05 19:28
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The ultimate case of cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I agree with the gentlemen, you'd have a stronger piece if you considered seriously trimming off the foreshadow line and one of the "too lates".

A terrific story.
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