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Young
And now that im alone
My soul can finally speak
I stand through these days as they get longer
And now that im alone
My soul can finally speak
I stand through these days as they get longer
A plate full of food, but I’ve no hunger
To awake for dreams, but too tired to be real
Struggling to discover, what it is to feel
Scared and brave
These moments you save
And as this small breath blooms to be your soul
You patiently wait to become your whole
Too free to be young with smoke in your lungs
And fire on your tongue
Conceited enough to think no one will understand
Just like that singer in your favorite band
Crying out for help, but taking no ones hand
Your hourglass is full of time but you are drowning in the sand
Too young to feel real pain
But old enough to be too vain
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haha Janyce...I think we just posted at the exact same time...FREAKY
also I was just thinking, the poem is about being young and perhaps the fact that young people don't care about spelling, grammar etc works towards the piece...but whether that was your intention or not is another thing.
Keep on writing :) |
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I appreciate the concept and the fresh innocence you bring to the piece. Especially like the last few lines. But to be taken seriously and for your own sake, to improve your writing, you need to remember the basics: spelling and grammar (yeah I know, just when you thought high school was over...)
Simple things like:
I'm, I've, TOO tired, TOO young, TOO vain, do you mean scarred or scared? vain or vein?
There was recently some discussion one here about how and when to use grammar, punctuation etc and if grammar is ignored for a reason, it can work. Otherwise it can just look lazy. The process of going back over your work and thinking about how and why you constructed it in such a way is always helpful.
Good work, I hope to read more soon. |
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I know you are probably not a fan of grammar and punctuation rules but even in poetry those little details help clarify what you mean.
Poems do not have to rhyme but it is usually preferred to have a pattern.
Sometimes here I think you are trying to have a rhyming scheme but then, it stops abruptly. I assume you didn't have that in mind.
Okay, here goes:
You need apostrophes in contractions like I am =I"m. If you don't I'll could look like ill. Two different interpretations.
Same with I've (I have)
To awake for dreams the word "to" is spelled correctly here for the way you intend to use it. BUT:
But to tired to be real (You need "too" here instead of "to" because that is the way it is interpreted. "Too" many things or a substitute for "also") same with this sentence:To free to be young (too)
lung should be plural (lungs)unless you had one removed.
To young to feel real pain (too young)
But old enough to be to vein (too vain)
vein is a blood vessel in your arm.
Hope this helps |
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