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I tried to paddle with the current
But my vessel had a leak
So I dived into the water
And waded down the creek
All along the way people laughed and they whispered
So I stopped in my path and began to walk the one preferred
A small boat slowly floated past its passengers calm and perfect
So I climbed onto their boat the S.S politically correct
Pretty soon the people forgot of my mistake
When we all arrived at the unmoving lake
Everyone seemed content
After they followed the popular current
But deep inside it felt all wrong
My soul was dead and sang no song
I felt no need
To let them lead
To be all the same
In this little water game
So in the middle of the day
I decided to make my way
Back down the creek I came
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yeah it's not bad, but the rhyme is a bit forced and hurts the overall piece. def not as good as your previous piece, however it has potential for better things. when i started writing I was even worse.
II am going to have to agree with MitchellNoel, when I read it I thought you were trying to hard to make sure it rhymes. I had problems adjusting from the rhythm of the first stanza and the second. Rhythm is equally as important as rhyming.When I read it seems forced I guess , like you tried to hard. Some of these lines I feel that you probably wrote diffrent in your first draft but edited them to rhyme.
I like the start, but it kind of fell apart after that. In parts it seems like you are rhyming just for the sake of rhyming e.g.
But then again i guess im wrong
Its wasn’t like the Dead Sea all along
The Dead Sea has a taste
Not just an air of haste
again, some punctuation problems. Just try to go over each piece line by line and don't be afraid of cutting a piece out or taking a risk.
Also think about paragraphs or stanzas to separate different ideas. And always keep in mind the message you are trying to convey.
I like that you link the ending up with th start again. Good job, but you have some homework to do...haha
