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Im Losing Something Dear
"So when you look at your reflection how sure are you that your Satan?"
"Well I sure did not expect you to be that blatant"
"You will learn a many things about me that you did not know before"
"Well im not entirely sure I want to step through “that” door"
"HA you think that you have a choice in the matter?"
"Fine but be careful what you say, or this mirror I will shatter"
"I'll just ignore that for your sake and repeat my previous question"
"Yes I remember the one about Satan"
"So whats the answer because I sure don’t have all day"
"Well I don’t think I can help I wouldn’t know how to answer that anyway"
"Would you like me to enlighten you?"
"Oh please do"
"Your not sure at all, because you lean against the wall, and see your not that tall"
"I honestly do not know what that’s supposed to mean"
"Nothing in particular just when your speaking to me don’t lean"
"Your boring me and you make no sense"
"Then why are you so tense?"
"Your just trying to get to me"
"You would know that’s done if you could see"
"My sight is fine you fool"
"Then why are you my tool"
"I AM TIRED OF ALL YOUR GAMES!"
"Well isn’t that a shame"
"I am starting to regret this trip"
"Then you should not have started to give lip"
"Please just let me go to sleep"
"There will be no rest for gods lost sheep"
"I am done you win just leave me be i will answer questions if you please"
"Why can you not part the seas?"
"This I don’t know, no mortal does"
"Then what I ask was Moses"
"Are you a child or just a moron?"
"Are you slightly crazy or is it full on?"
"That’s it i will break you off that shelf"
"I am not the one talking to myself"
"What?"
…
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This is a really good device to communicate a story. Perhaps you could separate the two voices by indenting one, it would lend a visual cue to the reader. Read through again and make sure you have all of the attributions outside of quote marks, as well, recheck your punctuation.
Seriously, cut and paste into MS Word or WordPerfect and turn on the grammar and spell check tools. When the program highlights a section, read through the choices offered to correct the problem and then make the best decision. Go all the way through the piece and then run the functions again from the top, until you can read through without finding any difficulties with spelling or grammar.
I hope this helps. |
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Ah much better...those inverted commas made a BIG difference. It is much clearer to read and I really enjoy the dialogue. It is a clever piece.
Some more lessons for you.
#1 you're=you are...NOT your
e.g. ...your Satan?
Your not sure at all...
#2 If using quotation marks inside quotation marks you should use sinlge quotation marks inside (you could also put this in italics if that was an option):
"Well im not entirely sure I want to step through 'that' door"
#3 use of commas can make things much clearer. use them them same way you would pause when speaking (you can almost imagine them to be brackets in the sentence, so that if that section were removed, the sentence would still make sense).
e.g
"Then what I ask was Moses"
BECOMES
"Then what, I ask, was Moses"
But overall a great job. Try to take these tiny basics and apply them in your other work.
Peace,
Mitch |
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Comment by: pj - 2008-05-06 01:05
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i had to read it 6 times to get the sense its a beautuiful piece which needs editing keep up the creativity
Are you inspired by rap music |
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Your dialogue needs to be set in quotations and a space between the expressions. Here again, you need to check those contractions and add apostrophes('). III is not a word without the apostrophe.
TRy the grammar/spell check on your computer if you have one under tools. That will help-
This tends to resemble a rap but if you want it read by others, it needs to be more clear. |
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