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Keys
“I’ll just be a second!"
She was pissed.
"I just gotta run in and pick up some keys.”
Her anger fought through her face. “It’s always something, Harold.”
"Christ..." Harold stormed off... door left ajar.
“Asshole!” Julie slammed his door.
(30 minutes later)
“What the fuck!”
Julie exploded out of the car and marched into the Dragon’s lair. The last thing she heard before being forced to the floor were the echoes of shotguns cocking. She felt a cold barrel against her temple.
Julie glanced up timidly. Her husband, Harold, was standing next to what appeared to be a 10 foot high mountain of Cocaine.
“Julie, now this isn’t what you…”
“Right. Just picking up some keys, eh Harold?”
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Comment by: karjon - 2008-05-19 08:17
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Loved the ending - very funny.
I'm not keen on the 'Exhale, pause etc' or on '30 minutes later'.
Apart from that, very well done, thanks for the read.
Cheers
Karen |
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I really like the line: Her anger fought through her face.
I didn't find the line: Exhale, pause; (don’t look back) the car door is ajar. clunky, so it's horses for courses really. Like all writing!
Good stuff. |
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Awesome!
I agree with Rupert that there has to be a better way of conveying the following:
"Exhale, pause; (don’t look back) the car door is ajar." [perhaps "Ding. Door is ajar. Ding. Door is-"]
< 30 minutes later >[perhaps "She finished her cigarette."] |
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Exhale, pause; (don’t look back) the car door is ajar.
- found this a little clunky.
< 30 minutes later >
- ditto. this is like a stage direction.
everything else is rock solid. just give it a remix. |
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Comment by: Arley - 2008-05-06 07:54
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| Wondered how long it would take for somebody to stab the KILO for KEYS, heh heh. Good stuff, Vincent! Didn't spot any glitches other than those already pointed out by The Penguin. |
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